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What I Did Today…

No fancy lunch or dinner… I choose to be alone in my room while my family watches Pacman versus Alghieri which of course is another stupid fight because I know Pacman will definitely win it.

I opened my bedside table and rekindled my childhood years. The things I decided to forget were actually well documented. I realized that I’ve been lost for quite some time already… I’ve survived because of pride. I’m alone because of pride… because I’ll never tell the man I love how much he means to me. I’m afraid of getting hurt due to the shards of my broken heart.

2005:

11/23/2005

It’s my 16th birthday. Well it’s not that great. I’m 16 and it’s really boring. Lord, thanks for this day. It’s been 16 years of struggling between me and the imperfections of the world. It’s hard but you didn’t hesitate to light my path and showing me the wonders of your creation, for replenishing my soul and inspiring my life with your word.


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Thank you for all the blessings and for the problems that you gave me because it made me into a person full of strength, courage and hope.  Thanks Lord.

Wow, never thought I’m actually mature at 16. I’m proud of myself. 🙂

2006:

Surprisingly I found this letter I wrote 8 years ago.

I’m sorry.

I already paid the consequences of my actions. I suffered a lot. I shed buckets of tears. I wrote a lot. I remembered last March 2006, I thought everything was fine between the two of us after you congratulated me before my graduation day. Comes June 2006, we saw each other yet we never said hi. We’re like strangers.

…. Insert all the bitter stuffs here ”

Years have passed. 2014 was the year that changed it all. I was able to find that courage to ask you questions I dreaded the most. We’re able to fix the friendship. We’re able to talk about how crazy our so called relationship was. It might be a product of a terrible lie but we both know the emotions were real and I told you how I loved you so much it took me hell lot of time to finally forgive myself after what I did to you. Thank you for forgiving me too. You’ve been the best pain I had endured for quite some time because it made be better and wiser.

2007:

I also wrote this commandments of Love last May 27,2007…

1. Thou shall love myself above all.
2. Thou shall not assume or hope when someone I think is “the one” comes along.
3. Thou shall look at the physical attributes first but what makes me stick is the goodness of the soul.
4.Thou shall think thoroughly before deciding something.
5. Thou shall court my family first before thyself.
6. Thou shall respect and dig what I want so as I to him.
7. Thou shall be open minded, understanding and loving all the time.
8.Thou shall prioritize my studies before love or thou shall prioritize my work and my passion.
9. Thou shall learn to accept each other’s flaws and indifferences.
10.Thou shall not be jealous or insecure, must develop one’s sense of trust.

No wonder I’m turning out to be an old maid.

It was somewhere in 2007 when I decided to fully embraced the positives. I got to admit, teenage life really sucks. I’ve been an emo kid who listens to Fall Out Boys and other Punk artists. I’m disgusted now of my own drama before. If only I can turn back the hours I could have not wasted my teen years wallowing how shitty my life was. Suicidal thoughts…  It was never ending yet I don’t have the courage to do it. Good thing though. Life’s still worth living despite the jaded and frustrating times.

At a very young age, my self awareness is really great. I acknowledged the fact that I’m egoistic. I live to feed my soul, to bring pride and worth to myself. My world used to revolve on achievements, good grades, service to others and doing my passions. It was exhausting yet it was fulfilling. I also acknowledged the fact that at 16 I’m not really good in expressing my emotions. I write my feelings and rarely talk about it. Blogging and writing my thoughts make me happy. I would prefer people to call me a nerd than a bitch.

2011:

05/09/2011

Dear God,

—– is in a relationship. Well, people around me are except me. I always pray for that one special person to finally come, for that someone I’ll spend forever with. Heaven forbids I’ll grow up alone.

God, I hope he’s worth the wait. I trust you and please grant me the patience as I wait for him while I become a better version of myself.

Carol. 

— I’m deep.  Yeah,  3 years have passed and I’m still praying the same thing. Gugreaaaat! 

2013

03/24/2013

Dear 9 month older self,

I wrote because I love to write or maybe because I got inspired by watching Perks of Being a Wallflower. Things are getting rough right now and work still sucks. I’m actually confused if I’ll still give it another shot.

I’m lost.
I still don’t know what to do with my life. I’ve got plans but certainly don’t know where to start. I want to be a wedding planner, graphic designer, blogger, team leader and the list goes on and on. I hope that by the time you’re reading this letter you’ve already started on what you really wanted to be.

Love.
Oh well. I must say things are going well between me and ——-. We’re not together but he’s special. I hope I’ll be able to ask him the questions I longed to ask him. If he’s not the one, I hope I’ll be able to find someone because it’s been too long already and it’s about time to be inspired and happy. I hope things will turn out to be great between the two of us, I really hope so.

Family.
I hope nothing bad will happen. 

Old self, I hope you’ve done something great before the year ends.  I don’t want you to cry and feel that you are weak. You’re awesome!  You’re great!  I know the struggles I’m in right now will soon fade away and I hope it’ll all make sense by the time you’re reading this.  I know things will be great and I just hope that it’ll be.

❤,

Carol

That was shocking though, I never read that letter until today.

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Well I’m halfway there. I’m still lost but I’m now a team lead trainee finishing her Master’s degree in business. Love wise…  I’m still inlove with the same guy and I still don’t have the courage to ask him the questions whose answers I dread the most.

I guess I didn’t age much. My mindset is still the same and my faith untarnished. I am still that 16 year old kid who trusts his Savior so much.

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I’ll continue my journey in finding the meaning of today. Every stitch, every struggle, every pain has a reason and all I need is a little faith and trust.

Thanks to awesome friends who’ve been there for me through good times and the bad. Yaaay grabbing some pictures from my Facebook friends.

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Thanks for giving me the sanity to survive each day. Thanks for the never ending support.

Also, thanks to my mama for raising me. I’m not a perfect daughter but you’ve been a good provider to me.

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Posted by on November 23, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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The Underdog Theory

My mind is currently drifting with various thoughts and my urge to blog is killing me so might as well indulge myself in the idea of  opening WordPress while selectively listening in our class discussion in Marketing.

I’m right in the middle of brewing my mind in gathering thoughts about the case only to realized that I’m already daydreaming. It’s been a daily dilemma on what career I really want to pursue. Marketing is interesting indeed and I’m seeing myself on that road but with my ambivert personality and diverse wants… it’s too early to tell.

I know my capabilities, how I work around with my strengths and weaknesses and how I manage my life in all aspects. I believed that the best key to success is to know yourself and how you make the best of your God-given and blessed DNA. Experiences and upbringing also plays significantly in how we approach our lives. I am a cynical optimist, a living irony and a variance of two extremes. It’s my mission to fully utilize my potentials and make a difference in this world. It’s also my goal to find a path that will lead me to feel the fulfillment and eternal happiness.

Just to clarify, I’m generally a happy person. I’m the type whose prowess shows if deemed necessary. I’m not the show-off type who brags my achievements. I am not into the limelight but I know that if given the chance I’ll be able to manage it. I am driven with the belief that “What you can do, I can too”.

I am always the second option and an underdog. I don’t want to be the person people looked up to. I don’t want to be the benchmark. I want to be part of the crowd not the star…

I know I’m unique, a warrior with a brave soul and a person who is most unlikely to quit. I love how my mind works especially when I’m inspired and moved by various things or daily miracles. I am a free – thinker, a soul searcher, a person with adamant convictions and a person whose lust for travel and adventure is an addiction.

How to play the game the  underdog way :

1. Know yourself – indulge in the idea of experiencing life in various way to discover your strengths, weaknesses and hidden potentials.

2. Learn from other people’s mistakes and experiences – observe and see opportunities in other people’s lives. Be inspired with their stories, defeats and successes to help you out in dealing with your life as well.

3. Be humble – the best secret to success is never reveal everything that you know and never ASSUME. Don’t be too confident that you know something and end up being disappointed.

4. Loosen up – Stop pressuring yourself to be the best all the time. There will come a time that someone is way better than you so embraced your individuality. Chill. Buy yourself a beer or coffee when you want to.

5. Don’t quit Always choose to be the best version of yourself. Never gave up, continue to hold on and simply believe in your own prowess.  If you don’t have the gears then fight the battle using your heart. 

Everyday is an experience. Life offers various ways for us to discover God’s plans for us. All we need to do is be open to changes and embrace each challenges because it’s our road to self-discovery.

Always remember that when you’re on top, the only way is down so I rather be on ground zero and enjoy my rise to the top.

Be positive and enjoy your journey on the road to self-discovery.

 
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Posted by on January 18, 2014 in inspirational, life, Life Blog

 

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Status: It’s Complicated

Love  according to Merriam Webster is
a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties
(2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers
(3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests

and Romance is defined as
intransitive verb
1 : to exaggerate or invent detail or incident
2 : to entertain romantic thoughts or ideas

transitive verb
1 : to try to influence or curry favor with especially by lavishing personal attention, gifts, or flattery
2 : to carry on a love affair with

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It’s the time of the week again that I feel like talking and writing my opinions before I’m  drowned with my thoughts.

I’ve got lots of stuffs to do such as to read our books for my graduate studies, learn the basics of accounting and that desire to drink cocktails.

I’m stressed out because my emotions suck this past few days. I have questions longing to be asked since time immemorial. I want someone to explain to me why things didn’t work out. I want to get out of this crappy mess I’m involved with.

If only I knew…

Anyways, it’s either real or false reality.

It sucks to be the good friend when in fact you’re hurting big time. It hurts so bad you just want to disappear into the nothingness or maybe hit your head so hard you forget everything and no single emotions left.

It double sucks (if that’s even a word ) if you offer the advice they need when you’re the one swallowing your pride because it’s also the love you fuckin wanted from the start.

If only I can fall out of love but I can’t. No matter how hard I fight it… I just can’t. He knows I’ll always stay and that I’ll choose him over and over because he makes me happy in a non – chalant way. He accepted me for who I am and for who I am not. He makes me write like I never wrote before. He’s not the typical guy. He was heaven sent.

Love is a choice.

You cannot just sleep then wake up one day as if you haven’t feel anything at all. Love is accepting him for who he is despite his vices. Love is that warm feeling you feel when he smiles at you and that connection whenever you talk. It’s how our eyes gleam when we’re so engage in our conversations about life, work and family. It’s how we were that I just can’t forget. You made me believe that it’s all worth a second try… that you can be my prince charming. You’ll always be my “2012”

The Decision.

It’s about time I fight for my own happiness. I need to stay away from the girl even if I valued her as my friend. I’m not staying away because I’m guilty but I want to save myself from hurting over and over again. I’m crushed, wrecked and torn. I don’t want to see her so giddy because of you. I don’t want to see her so hopeful. I hate hearing her love shenanigans. Knowing the guy so well, he deserves more than a lost girl whom I know is a good person despite the loud mouth and her vices. She romanticize things because she’s the type who believes that every boy who hits on her is a potential prince charming. She ends up being hurt over and over.

I’m not like her.

I am strong willed, crazy, witty and the non-conformist. I don’t easily get swayed by sweet gestures or at least doesn’t show it. I don’t drink and kiss then prolly have sex with someone I barely new. I know the things I believed in, my convictions, my principles that are so traditional but I do not just take it for granted. I value myself and I’m doing everything that I can for my name not to be stained. I never begged for love and it’s so hard to tell him that I love him.

I do love him.

I don’t know where it all started. I fell in-between our laughters, our own moments and how sweet you can actually be without even trying. I fell because you cared too well. I don’t know what or how or whatever.

I just fell.

You became a part of me and I choose to be just your friend. I admit that I get jealous. I get jealous when I knew you’re together because I knew how much she loves you. I love you so much I just don’t know if you love me as well. I’ll not assume unless it’s stated even though I can feel it.

I know you like me.

I know you value me.

I hope you’ll choose me.  😦

It’s Complicated.

He values what she feels if ever we’ll be together.
He cares that we’re friends.

It’s so complicated.

 
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Posted by on December 19, 2013 in journal, life, Life Blog

 

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12/08: Being at Home

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This are the days when I start to hate my work because I no longer have all the time to spend at home except of course for sleeping. I am now gathering all the words that I can get in my mind within 15 minutes because I need to prepare for work.

My work requires me to chat with customers and fix their mobile applications and home security. It’s a business-process outsourcing company, one of the leading companies in the Philippines and I owe my graduate studies to them because I availed their educational assistance program. The operations is 24/7 and my shift starts at 12am to 9am.  How cool is that?  Yeah right.
I’m glad to be at home today even if I spent most of my time in my room feeling the remnants of my flu crippling me. I hate that I’m sick for the past few days because of the changing weather that I was not able to do a lot of things. My body just can’t take it anymore but I do have no choice. I still need to go to work and school. 

I feel shit , I mean sick.

Anyways, today I must say is still awesome. I just need a few minutes to feel my existence at home.

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Check out little Christmas Tree!  🙂

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And how happy we used to be… I miss Dad  and how healthy Mama was. This picture was taken 20 Decembers ago.

Love,

Chillerspot ❤

 
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Posted by on December 8, 2013 in journal, life, Life Blog, list

 

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09/08 – Day 290: Tumblr on Mobile

Tumblr is my safe haven, it’s where my thoughts linger, my rants, frustrations and other stuffs that is not quite awesome. WordPress on the other hand is my happy place where I can share to the world my daily awesome things. Blogspot is where I used to post my poems and love problems, well that was before TUMBLR.

I feel inlove with Tumblr because it is simple and user friendly. You can easily reblog stuffs that you can totally relate to, write your thoughts, share a video or a picture and follow your favorite tumblristas. I got addicted to it back in college and been addicted to it for years. Now, I cannot help but fall in love to what I have recently downloaded in Google Play, the Tumblr application for Android.

Seriously? I can’t help but smile. I can now express what’s on my mind especially in times that my mind is having it’s own verbal diarrhea.

Oh feel free to know me more: www.chillerspot.tumblr.com

 
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Posted by on September 15, 2012 in hobby, journal, life, Life Blog, writing

 

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04/26 – Day 155: Pen

I really love to write about random things whether online or through my journals. I am happy that I have a new black pen that I can use in writing my thoughts and aspirations.

 
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Posted by on April 29, 2012 in journal, life, writing

 

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01/11 – Day 48: Time

Another cliche: “Time flies so fast!”

It seems that life is drifting away without me in it. Each day passes by and I am still stuck.

I would like to repost one blog post that inspired me to stop the wrong things that I have been doing in my life and make the most of the time that I have.

DECEMBER 11TH, 2011 @ 4:30 PM BY: MARC
Source: http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/11/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself/

30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself

When you stop chasing the wrong things you give
the right things a chance to catch you.

As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Nothing could be closer to the truth. But before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doing the things that have been holding you back.

Here are some ideas to get you started:

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.

2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.

3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.

4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.

5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.

6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.

7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.

8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.

9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.

10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.

11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.

12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.

13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.

14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.

15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.

16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. Ask yourself this: “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”

17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you. You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough. But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past. You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation. So smile! Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.

18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.

19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.

20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. Just do what you know in your heart is right.

21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.

22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things. The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.

23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done.

24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. Don’t take the easy way out. Do something extraordinary.

25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.

26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.

27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out. But making one person smile CAN change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. So narrow your focus.

28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy. One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time? Three years? Five years?” If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.

29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.

30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

 
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Posted by on January 13, 2012 in life, Life Blog

 

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