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On Being 27

This ain’t the life I imagined to be 10 years ago. When I was a kid up to my puberty days, I planned my adulthood — I actually planned it too well. I wanted to settle down at 25 because I know that I already have a successful career and a husband who’ll be the father of our three beautiful and handsome kids. I will also have a lot of cars and purebred dogs. I’ve travelled to many places here and abroad. I am living my life so lavishly that people envy my success. 

Well, those are just my unrealized dreams. 

I’m now 27 with no savings, no car and no boyfriend. I am lost with what career to pursue despite the degrees I have. I am not even 30% of who I hoped to be. Quarter life crisis hits me up so well that I don’t know how to deal with it sometimes. 

I used to be idealistic with a lot of bulleted plans waiting to be checked. Even my day is used to be so well planned out. It also makes me feel so inefficient when I have a lot of remaining boxes waiting  to be ticked. I have no idea when I started to fully loosen up in being a perfectionist. Probably it’s when I realized that life is  better spent  spontaneously because planning can sometimes be too frustrating. Life is unfair, full of bullcraps and sorrows. Life is full of never ending heartbreaks, failures and unanswered prayers. Life is not about just being persistent to achieve. Life is all about timing and faith.

As I always tell myself, timing is never my strong suit in the deck of life. My success is not about luck but hardwork and pains. There are moments wherein I almost gave up,  nobody knows how I battled depression… how I almost decided to pull the trigger and bid goodbye to this world full of frustrations. I got my skeletons hid well in the closet masked by my positive demeanor. I am a universe full of secrets. I am mostly  alone in my battles but saved by friends who’ve been through worst — some bunch of psychos who survived depression well. I realized that not all happy people are happy and we all have stories to tell.

My faith in God never ceased despite of prayers unanswered. I yelled and hated him for not giving me the life I wanted. I begged for him to return my dad.  I screamed at him. I hated God so bad yet I submit to his will. I know God has a better plan — he always nail it at his own perfect time. I am not a church goer but I believe in God’s presence. I know he’ll always be there for me and that all my prayers will be addressed soon. 

I am blessed to have people who are there for me no matter what. I may not trust a lot but definitely glad to be trusted by most. I knew that somehow I did something right in my life. Even if I don’t have everything I wanted, I turned out to be someone better than I expected. All the bad memories made me more human. The pains I faced made me more empathetic. The heartbreaks I had made me a poet. Life made me feel more of a human being with better understanding of human nature and not just being purely driven to succeed because of my intelligence. I acknowledged my flaws and accepted it because it humbles me. I have controlled my egocentric self who feeds into every achievements I have. I now know my worth and I don’t seek to be recognized. Who I am is a product of both bad and good experiences that actually made me a person my mom and dad can actually be proud of. I live for them. I know they did great in raising me and I’m happy of my choices in life because I turned out to be more than they expected. I always overhear my Tito Edsel and Mama talking about how proud they are of me. They may not have express it verbally but the sacrifices they did for me says it all. My success is always dedicated for those people who believed in my prowess since Day 1 — Daddy,Mama and Tito Edsel. 

At 27, I am more mature in dealing with my life. I am still a work in progress. I still want to be a poet, a photographer, an artist, a celebrity and an ambassadress. I don’t know how I’ll reach for those crazy dreams but I’m willing to take that leap. I’ll probably get my life going towards the right direction ASAP.  I always pray for enlightenment in every decision I make. My life is a battle of tough choices between practicality and passion.

  • I wish to travel more and experience different culture. 
  • I wish to capture more beautiful sunrises and sunsets.
  •  I wish to have more sands to walk to. 
  • I wish to hear more waves roaring and watch its ebb and flow. 
  • I wish to drink more cups of coffee. 
  • I wish to write more haikus and share it to the world.
  • I wish to inspire more people to love poetry. 
  • I wish to spend more time with my aging mother. 
  • I wish for more moments under the stars. 
  • I wish to drink more alcohol and celebrate life’s successes and pitfalls. 
  • I wish to find someone who’ll tame my heart full of spite in the idea that forever exists. 
  • I wish to live my life full of faith in God’s perfect plan. 

I never felt so good after all these years and I hope at this age I’ll be able to make my wishes come true. I also hope to find a man who’ll see my worth and will have the courage to tell me he loves me not just a boy who’s intimidated by my success and won’t fight for his feelings. I need a man, not a boy who doesn’t know how to fight what he feels. I need someone who’ll never let me go. Someone who’ll show me that I’m worth the words and he’s worth the wait. 

At 27… I want life to finally happen as what God intended it to be. Please, God. Please. 

Amen.  

XOXO, 

Carol 😘

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Posted by on November 23, 2016 in personal

 

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The Day Before I Turned 25

Minutes before midnight, I’m sitting alone waiting for the bus to finally come and take me home. It’s been a long spontaneous day for me.

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It’s been a long day and I did crazy stuffs I won’t regret doing. I actually feel a little sad, well depressed is the exact word for no reasons at all. I’m sad because I’m getting older and nothing seems to be happening in my life — quarter life crisis thingy. I feel shitty today so  I decided to date myself after my friends turned down my various offers.

Fine, since I’m stubborn I did go to the mall and unwind. I know I’ve been working too hard lately, I just need to breathe. I treated myself with an iced caramel machiatto and watched people. I miss people watching at dusk so I’m pretty much glad I was able spend at least 30 minutes of savoring my coffee as various thoughts cloud my mind. I also got my first sticker!  Yey!

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I also did the unthinkable, walking in a notorious street alone. I went to Baywalk — Bacolod’s famous chill place to try karting. I’ve been an adrenaline junkie. My first lap was actually a disaster because I’ve crashed on tires but nevertheless it was frigging AWESOME! My smile was actually tattooed, yep I was smiling the whole time I hit the gas. It’s been my dream, to buy my own car and learn to drive. I wanted to be a race car driver… Herbie was actually my favorite childhood movie. Lindsay Lohan was amazing in her role. Blah blah blah. Haha

Again, I had fun in the track even though I  had boo boos and been a major hassle to the caretaker. I want to try those car drifts. I want that freaking speed. I want it like I never wanted something before. It has been my dream…

After my nerve wracking experience, I visited St. John Paul II tower. It was a humbling experience.

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He’ll always be my favorite Pope.  🙂

The view on top of the tower is actually beautiful. It reminded me of my Cebu vacation. I must say, this is staycation at its best.

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Beautiful boque lights…

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SM City Bacolod from the tower.

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I swear, I could have tried this before but I didn’t take the risk.

I stroll around SM City after my Pope John Paul II tower experience. I am not in the mood to go home yet so I used the movie ticket I won to watch Big Hero 6. It was a very nice movie I didn’t regret watching.

It’s 12am. 

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Happy silver year to me!

I’m still waiting for the bus. It’s like waiting for eternity.

I’m embracing a lot of problems this year.  Quarter life crisis taking its toll and life issues that will surely heighten my emotions once again. Oh God, I need you big time, this time.

Anyways, let me take this chance to say my thanks to you Oh Lord for the never ending patience and blessings. Thank you too for giving me the wisdom to understand that life won’t usually go as what I’ve planned it to be and that circumstances really do happen to test my faith and trust in you. Well, I won’t easily give up. Your plans are way better than mine so whatever it is, I lift my uncertainties to you. Thanks a lot for not giving up on me for the past 25 years. I owe you a lot my Lord. Please guide me still in every decision I make. All in God’s perfect time, Amen.  🙂

 
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Posted by on November 23, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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03/15 – Day 113: Zerprise!

Oh yeah it’s our friend’s boyfriend’s birthday and who happens also to be part of my circle of friends — the Crackbang barkada.

Our friendship started 2 years ago as we have been org mates for quite some time but our friendship did not stop after graduation. We still hang out once in a while and annoy each other in Facebook with our silliness and random tags just to say “Hey, it’s been a while!” or “Hey I hate you, you did not go to (insert the usual hangout place here)”. The funniest thing about this day is that it should really be a surprise party, yeah the one you used to see on the boob tube where people jumps from no where and scream “SURPRISE!” but then it did not turn out to be what we have expected. The celebrant was not in his office thus an epic fail on our end, we waited not quite long when he came and hid in the closet/storage room then after a while we just came out of the door and screamed “Happy Birthday!!!”

We may not be complete that day because of other commitments and priorities, I can say that somehow we made Blaine’s birthday undeniably crazy. Of course it was planned out by his girlfriend and we’re just the supporting actresses in their love story. I wish them well and also for our friendship to last for a lifetime. I am glad that they have crossed my way and I surely cherished all the good times we have spent together.

 
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Posted by on March 19, 2012 in drink, food

 

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