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Be Careful What You Wish For.

I was so dead tired last Saturday that I slept from 1pm – 2am. I woke up seeing missed calls from my former graduate school professor so I decided to text her and apologized for not being able to answer it. She told me that one of the biggest corporation in the sugar industry is currently hiring an Organizational Development Manager — a position that I really would love to have since it is more focus on improvement of current company processes by conducting research studies. I know I really want a career revamp since I feel that I am not really making progress anymore. The BPO industry is really dynamic and I owe a lot of my wisdom from my years of experience. I never knew I will last more than 5 years in this industry with my sanity intact. Change is inevitable and just like technology it is so drastic. If you are not resilient enough, you will surely decide to move out and find a company that would not test your patience. I love and at the same time hate my job for no apparent reasons, probably because most of the time I get too bored of doing same stuff but my salary surely pays the bill so it’s one motivation why I chose to stay.

Now, I got an opportunity to kiss my job goodbye and try a new adventure. I have been a YOLO kid with a Peter Pan complex. I mean as much as I want change in my career I am also scared of taking my life seriously. At 25, I want to fix my life but there’s this fear that I may no longer have the freedom to do what I want just like the way it was before. The BPO industry is so diversified unlike any other industries that we have. People of all shapes, sizes and ages are working together without any discrimination unlike some other industries. I mean this has been my comfort zone and I know I have been dying to move out since day 180 of my stay in this industry. I finished my bachelor’s degree in Computer Science yet I was not able to practice it at all. I decided to take up Masters in Business Administration and partly applying some of my learning in dealing with my colleagues and subordinates but it is still not enough. My heart seems to long for something I cannot still decipher what except my endless desire to write, to travel and to learn from other people’s way of dealing with life. My interest right now is more geared towards the complexities of human emotions and how each of us battle our daily lives. It is really more in psychology and humanities. I am a complete f*cked up, I know. I am strayed away from the path I traveled but I guess I am really learning more about myself.

I still cannot decide whether I will apply or not. I mean it is far from home prolly a 2 – hour travel plus it might require some seriousness and discipline which is scary but I know I can deal with that. It’s just that the mere thought of nailing it bites inside my heart because it means that I will be leaving my home. I know I have been whining for the past years of how bored or how monotonous my life can be sometimes but it’s not really the work, it’s the people I have been working for quite some time already that makes leaving quite difficult to imagine. I will surely miss working at night and having lunch at 2am in the morning. It made me live in New York timezone. I usually sleep in the morning and wake up in the afternoon. This kind of life that I used to live seems to be hard to forget. I mean, I was once an innocent noob who does not know how crazy the real world can be but now, I have become an independent woman who thrives hard in order to survive and regain my sanity. The real world is so daunting unlike the way we imagined it to be back when we are still learning everything in high school or in college.

I know I wanted this, I wished for this but I never knew that it will happen all of a sudden. I might think about it more and probably hear the catch first before deciding to take a leap of faith. I just want to be sure and be practical with my decision as I don’t want to leave my chill life as much as possible.

Here’s to another sleepless night, I hope my decision will be right!

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Posted by on September 7, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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03/19 – Day 5: Seeing Life From God’s View

Life is all about test and trust.

Verse to Remember: “Unless you are faithful in small matters, you won’t be faithful in large ones.” – Luke 16:10a (NLT)

I must say that all I want in life is to travel, to be happy and simply enjoy it while I have it. Day 5 of my 40-day journey to a purpose driven life made me aware about viewing life through God’s eyes. I would certainly agree that my life is a series of test. God didn’t spare me when it comes to difficult challenges, challenges that I never thought I will be able to overcome. I did – thanks a lot to him because of my strong faith and belief that he will never forsake me during tough times. All the challenges were significant in shaping me for my own betterment. I thank him again because he did not give up on me and for the wisdom he endowed that aid me in fully understanding the things that have happen in my life. It was all for the greater cause and I must say, he never gave tests that one cannot handle.

“God keeps his promise, and he will not allow you to be tested beyond your power to remain firm; at the time you are put to the test he will give you the strength to endure it, and so provide you with a way out.”

God is simply awesome, a life-saver.

My all-time favorite word aside from ‘chill’ would be ‘endure’. With God, I have endured life’s challenges and emerged victorious, strong and happy.

A piece of advice to the faint-hearted and the lost ones: “Always trust God and his amazing plans so just breathe and enjoy life. Take good care of the things around you, value the people who supports you and love the environment because all of them are part of what God have trusted you, his works. We should never break God’s trust.

Sharing a self – reminder that moved me for years since the last time I read the Purpose Driven Life book: “Those who are trusted with something valuable must show that they are worthy of that trust.”

I don’t want to break anyone even God’s trust in me as much as possible because I know how difficult it is to be earned again once lost. I value people who shares to me their secrets because it is also a challenge for one to share a piece of themselves to others. I too am a person with trust issues and I rarely open up to people whom I don’t fully trust because that’s just simply how I am.

The challenge that we should always remember:

The more God gives you, the more responsible he expects you to be.”  — It’s just like that old cliché line of my favorite superhero… “With great power comes great responsibilities”.

Bon Nuit. I need to focus myself as tomorrow will be my comprehensive exam. TTFN.

 
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Posted by on March 19, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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03/16 – Day 2: You Are Not An Accident

Source: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jfTKMeG-LgA/Th3A9L2UnDI/AAAAAAAAAEo/GJfuFhLIcdw/s1600/accident.jpg

A poem by Russell Kelfer as published in the book sums up Day 2 of my Purpose Driven Life journey:

You are who you are for a reason.

You’re part of an intricate plan

You’re a precious and perfect unique design,

Called God’s special woman or man.

 

You look like you look for a reason.

Our God made no mistake.

He knit you together within the womb,

You’re just what he wanted to make.

 

The parents you had were the ones he chose,

And no matter how you may feel,

They were custom-designed with God’s plan in mind,

And they bear the Master’s seal.

 

No, that trauma you faced was not easy.

And God wept that it hurt you so;

But it was allowed to shape your heart

So that into his likeness you’d grow.

 

You are who you are for a reason,

You’ve been formed by the Master’s rod.

You are who you are, beloved,

Because there is a God!

Day 2 of my 40-day journey to get closer to God is actually my favorite topic. It reminds me that I am not an accident. It is a touching realization knowing that God planned everything, he planned me even if my parents did not plan me at all. God planned me and I am blessed because his love is unfathomable yet fundamentally reliable. He made me into who he intended me to be and I am happy being me. I used to feel insecure about myself even considering my life to be a little dysfunctional but I guess as years pass by I have grown into a more mature and self-aware individual. I love myself despite my weaknesses and insecurities, it took me an ample amount of time to fully embrace myself and turn my weaknesses into opportunities to be better. I thank God again for leading the way.

We need to be constantly reminded that we are here for a reason, reasons we don’t totally understand but we don’t need to question God’s plan. We are here with a purpose, time will unravel everything. In the future, our past will finally make sense and we will all be thankful that God intricately shaped us into someone he wanted us to be. Indeed, things that are happening to us didn’t happen by chance, it was all planned out even if sometimes we believe in chances and in fate. We just didn’t know that sole fact – that nothing in our lives were arbitrary.

I thank God for loving me as his child. I thank him because he planned me. I thank him because he is a merciful and loving God. Love indeed is the essence of his character and we should always, always remember that.

Love yourself because you are a symbol of God’s love. Albert Einstein once said: “God doesn’t play dice.

Source: http://www.freeheartday.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/you-are-not-an-accident-640×350.jpg

 
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Posted by on March 16, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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03/15 – Day 1: It All Starts With God

I decided to change, well made myself a little empowered rather than killing my time weeping over characters with tragic fate or if not cheesy love stories I wish I have. Yesterday, I was looking for a good book until I bumped into Rick Warren’s Purpose Driven Life. I already read the book and even opted to share it with a friend who shared it to her church which I know served them well. It’s about time for me though to fix myself and again find meaning to my existence. It’s about time for me to let God rule my life just like before. I decided to take the 40-day journey again, this time sharing my thoughts to people and my friends.

Day 1: It All Starts With God

“Everything got started in him and find its purpose in him.” Colossians 1:16b (MSG)

God has always been my source of inspiration, my best friend and the divine force that gives me day to day miracles when I needed it the most. I used to write letters to him daily. My journal begins with Dear God wherein I share my thoughts about what have happened to my day. I wrote everything and anything about my own feelings, my frustrations and my pet peeves. I know that after writing I feel better because I was able to share it with HIM.

Today, I pray for me to find my purpose. I know that my goals, all my aspirations and the steps I take are still insignificant as He – our divine creator already planned out how we can be great, how we can be the person he wanted us to be. I am patiently waiting for HIS time as I know that he will unravel my purpose soon. I know he has plans for me and I should not worry because he never failed me. He might be distant, he might always tell me to wait patiently but in the end it’s for my own betterment. I trust God and my life is meaningless without his grace. He is my supreme being, guiding me in every decision that I make because he knows far better than I am.

God, always remind me that I am a nobody and I need you. I know that this life have a lot of temptations to overcome and I get strayed away frequently. I hope you’ll never get tired of finding me, of showing me that I cannot exist without you and of loving me despite me being a sinner. I will let you rule my life by leading me to the right path no matter how painful or challenging it can be. With you, not all paths lead to success immediately as I might need to encounter a lot of detours and a lot of crossroads before reaching it but I must say when things finally unravel according to your plans, it has always been so beautiful and the wisdom to fully understand why it happened makes me feel so blissful. Thanking God has always been a cliché and at the same time an understatement.

I won’t settle, until I find my purpose as what God designed me to be.

 
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Posted by on March 15, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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What I Did Today…

No fancy lunch or dinner… I choose to be alone in my room while my family watches Pacman versus Alghieri which of course is another stupid fight because I know Pacman will definitely win it.

I opened my bedside table and rekindled my childhood years. The things I decided to forget were actually well documented. I realized that I’ve been lost for quite some time already… I’ve survived because of pride. I’m alone because of pride… because I’ll never tell the man I love how much he means to me. I’m afraid of getting hurt due to the shards of my broken heart.

2005:

11/23/2005

It’s my 16th birthday. Well it’s not that great. I’m 16 and it’s really boring. Lord, thanks for this day. It’s been 16 years of struggling between me and the imperfections of the world. It’s hard but you didn’t hesitate to light my path and showing me the wonders of your creation, for replenishing my soul and inspiring my life with your word.


. ..

Thank you for all the blessings and for the problems that you gave me because it made me into a person full of strength, courage and hope.  Thanks Lord.

Wow, never thought I’m actually mature at 16. I’m proud of myself. 🙂

2006:

Surprisingly I found this letter I wrote 8 years ago.

I’m sorry.

I already paid the consequences of my actions. I suffered a lot. I shed buckets of tears. I wrote a lot. I remembered last March 2006, I thought everything was fine between the two of us after you congratulated me before my graduation day. Comes June 2006, we saw each other yet we never said hi. We’re like strangers.

…. Insert all the bitter stuffs here ”

Years have passed. 2014 was the year that changed it all. I was able to find that courage to ask you questions I dreaded the most. We’re able to fix the friendship. We’re able to talk about how crazy our so called relationship was. It might be a product of a terrible lie but we both know the emotions were real and I told you how I loved you so much it took me hell lot of time to finally forgive myself after what I did to you. Thank you for forgiving me too. You’ve been the best pain I had endured for quite some time because it made be better and wiser.

2007:

I also wrote this commandments of Love last May 27,2007…

1. Thou shall love myself above all.
2. Thou shall not assume or hope when someone I think is “the one” comes along.
3. Thou shall look at the physical attributes first but what makes me stick is the goodness of the soul.
4.Thou shall think thoroughly before deciding something.
5. Thou shall court my family first before thyself.
6. Thou shall respect and dig what I want so as I to him.
7. Thou shall be open minded, understanding and loving all the time.
8.Thou shall prioritize my studies before love or thou shall prioritize my work and my passion.
9. Thou shall learn to accept each other’s flaws and indifferences.
10.Thou shall not be jealous or insecure, must develop one’s sense of trust.

No wonder I’m turning out to be an old maid.

It was somewhere in 2007 when I decided to fully embraced the positives. I got to admit, teenage life really sucks. I’ve been an emo kid who listens to Fall Out Boys and other Punk artists. I’m disgusted now of my own drama before. If only I can turn back the hours I could have not wasted my teen years wallowing how shitty my life was. Suicidal thoughts…  It was never ending yet I don’t have the courage to do it. Good thing though. Life’s still worth living despite the jaded and frustrating times.

At a very young age, my self awareness is really great. I acknowledged the fact that I’m egoistic. I live to feed my soul, to bring pride and worth to myself. My world used to revolve on achievements, good grades, service to others and doing my passions. It was exhausting yet it was fulfilling. I also acknowledged the fact that at 16 I’m not really good in expressing my emotions. I write my feelings and rarely talk about it. Blogging and writing my thoughts make me happy. I would prefer people to call me a nerd than a bitch.

2011:

05/09/2011

Dear God,

—– is in a relationship. Well, people around me are except me. I always pray for that one special person to finally come, for that someone I’ll spend forever with. Heaven forbids I’ll grow up alone.

God, I hope he’s worth the wait. I trust you and please grant me the patience as I wait for him while I become a better version of myself.

Carol. 

— I’m deep.  Yeah,  3 years have passed and I’m still praying the same thing. Gugreaaaat! 

2013

03/24/2013

Dear 9 month older self,

I wrote because I love to write or maybe because I got inspired by watching Perks of Being a Wallflower. Things are getting rough right now and work still sucks. I’m actually confused if I’ll still give it another shot.

I’m lost.
I still don’t know what to do with my life. I’ve got plans but certainly don’t know where to start. I want to be a wedding planner, graphic designer, blogger, team leader and the list goes on and on. I hope that by the time you’re reading this letter you’ve already started on what you really wanted to be.

Love.
Oh well. I must say things are going well between me and ——-. We’re not together but he’s special. I hope I’ll be able to ask him the questions I longed to ask him. If he’s not the one, I hope I’ll be able to find someone because it’s been too long already and it’s about time to be inspired and happy. I hope things will turn out to be great between the two of us, I really hope so.

Family.
I hope nothing bad will happen. 

Old self, I hope you’ve done something great before the year ends.  I don’t want you to cry and feel that you are weak. You’re awesome!  You’re great!  I know the struggles I’m in right now will soon fade away and I hope it’ll all make sense by the time you’re reading this.  I know things will be great and I just hope that it’ll be.

❤,

Carol

That was shocking though, I never read that letter until today.

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Well I’m halfway there. I’m still lost but I’m now a team lead trainee finishing her Master’s degree in business. Love wise…  I’m still inlove with the same guy and I still don’t have the courage to ask him the questions whose answers I dread the most.

I guess I didn’t age much. My mindset is still the same and my faith untarnished. I am still that 16 year old kid who trusts his Savior so much.

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I’ll continue my journey in finding the meaning of today. Every stitch, every struggle, every pain has a reason and all I need is a little faith and trust.

Thanks to awesome friends who’ve been there for me through good times and the bad. Yaaay grabbing some pictures from my Facebook friends.

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Thanks for giving me the sanity to survive each day. Thanks for the never ending support.

Also, thanks to my mama for raising me. I’m not a perfect daughter but you’ve been a good provider to me.

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Posted by on November 23, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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10/20 – Day 332: Suffering

Even he suffered for mankind…

There’s a certain degree of agony or pain that we need to endure for us to have a full understanding of our true purpose in life. I guess we really need to go through the things that we don’t like in order for us to fully appreciate and enjoy the things we do like.

I am just like you, I do have dramas. My life was not a breeze even if it appears that I am a happy go lucky kid. It’s not what most people think. I did not even pretend, it’s just that as years go by I developed my outlook in life. I had a happy childhood, been raised well by awesome parents and challenges that helped me to be a better version of myself. Every one needs to face harsh reality in order to grow.

Let me count the ways on what suffering taught me for all these years:

1. Suffering humbled me and drew me closer to God.
2. Suffering made me strong and mature enough to face the consequences of every

decisions I need to make.
3. Suffering made me more optimistic amidst the challenges.
4. Suffering always has a reason, we may not understand it during the moment it

happened but every thing will make sense in the future.
5. Suffering made us understand that we are humans — subject to natural and physical

laws.
6. Suffering hurts but it’s one thing that enhances one’s wisdom.
7. Suffering made me understand others more.
8. Suffering taught me to never ever give up on life.
9. Suffering made me appreciate how time heals all wounds.
10. Suffering always make me a better version of myself.

Adversity does teach us valuable lessons. We are able to see ourselves better and let our true worth shine even brighter.

 
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Posted by on November 3, 2012 in journal, life

 

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10/16 – Day 328: Trusting God

Dear God,

You never failed me. I just want you to know that I love you and that thank you for drawing me closer to you. Thank you for making me understand that life is not easy and the cross I need to carry each day humbles me. I am not alone in this journey, all people suffer a certain kind of pain and that it’s how we perceive life who’ll helped us surpass everything.

My faith in you will never change. You have proven to me that you’ll always be there and you’ll never forsake me. I asked for your forgiveness whenever I doubt your own time. I am sorry for the sins I committed. I am sorry for doubting your prowess.

As time passes by, I came to realized that not everything I ask you give. You always provide it in your own time or make me realize why it didn’t happen. You are not a genie who grants our wishes. I seek for your own will rather than insist on the impossible.

God, I simply want to tell you 3 things:

1. I love you.
2. I am sorry.
3. I TRUST you.

Amen.

 
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Posted by on November 3, 2012 in 23, journal, life

 

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