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Sunday Confessions.

It’s been a week without communicating.

I am mad at him for not telling me what is wrong, for being indifferent towards me and for being unfair. I am in rage, I can feel the anger seeping into my system. I wanted to yell, to scream and hate him for what he is doing hurts me a lot. You don’t know how much pain you’re causing me right now. I still cannot forgive myself after that text. I cannot comprehend still what made me say those words but I know how wasted I am that night. It already happened, I cannot take those words anymore.

I still don’t get it why you are so indifferent towards me. I am your crazy bestfriend in the office. We talk about random and silly things. We talk about work shits and we laugh all the time. We should not be affected by the words we say or text when we are drunk. You told me you love me, I never bothered because you are drunk. I texted you goodnight and keep safe and you got bothered. Is it the love part? Is it the worry? Is it the care I had for you? You are my bestfriend, you are important to me. A part of me will die if something happens to you. I cannot imagine my life without you. I trusted you so much of my own issues, you know how much I do not like to talk about personal shits but I did because you are trustworthy.

I miss you. I miss my bestfriend. I miss us. I don’t care about love because I am a complete fucked up. I just want the old us, I want my friend back. Earlier today I prayed hard. I prayed to God to cast away my anger towards you. Bad things happen to the people I hate and I cannot do that to you. I cannot curse people I value so I prayed and repented. I am sorry.

I decided to be true to myself. I realize how you impacted my life in reasons I can no longer explain. Days without you seem to be so dull. Life at work becomes stressful. I love you, it’s true. I love you but I want our friendship to last forever. I want this friendship to work, to be just like the old times. That is what I need in my life right now. I do not know how to handle being in a relationship. I mean, what I had a decade ago was an almost relationship that was so amazing until it lasted. I never decided to give in after that. It took me almost a decade to forgive myself. I never let my guards down as what I’ve always say. I have no idea what happened that night. It’s like someone took over myself. Well, those were feelings I shrugged off. Feelings I am afraid to face and deal, feelings that I hid because I am too ashamed to admit and feelings that I took for granted because I know will just complicate everything.

God, I rest my case. I don’t know how to move on when there is too much to remember. You cannot just forget a friend, a friend that is so damn real. It stings still when I remember the good times. It hurts me so bad not knowing the reason why. You just shut me off and here I am wondering why.

It was just a text, it was nothing unless of course if you felt something too. I know I was never sweet towards you but I do care for you. With what have happened to you almost a month ago, I started to worry about your well-being. I want to be there for you, to help you out and support you. I think that is normal to care it’s just that even I was shocked of my own sweetness towards you. I know you are not used to it but it happened already. I am sorry if you felt so awkward but you should have told me rather than avoiding me. You are so frustrating. I reached out and asked you already but it seems that you do not want to talk about it further.

You are my bestfriend. I will give you the space that you want. I am just a text away if you need me. I will always  be here for you. I need to stop seeking for answers. I need to be patient enough and let things happen. I cannot control circumstances but I can control myself. I don’t want to sulk into misery of understanding and hating you. I cannot waste more time. I cannot be depress for too long.

I just miss you so much. Can we be bestfriends again? Let’s forget those feelings. 😢

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Posted by on August 2, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Bantayan Island: Not Your Ordinary Paradise

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Chill Rating: ☺☺☺☺☺

One of the best weekend spent on the beach with friends. It’s so nice to finally commune in nature after some tiring week of school and work related stress. It has been my lifelong dream to travel and write about the world we are currently in. I must admit I am not really a writer, I am just a blogger who writes from her soul. This will be one of my few summer adventures that I will be blogging just because this place is really worth every single share. Bantayan Island is located west of the northernmost part of Cebu province. It’s actually one of the largest in the whole Bantayan Island Group which is composed of not more than 20 islands. Most tourists visit the island during Holy Week because it is the island’s fiesta. Party goers from all walks of life are enjoying the scenic view, eat, drink and definitely be merry! I love partying but since I am an ambivert ( partly extrovert, partly introvert) Bantayan is the best place for solitude so I rather choose Boracay for the party scene and let Bantayan be Bantayan — I want to savor its serenity and wander around when there’s a lesser crowd. Now, enough of my introduction and let’s start rehashing my less than 24 hours stay in the beautiful paradise that made me realized that life is too short to waste  in worries. I remembered swimming under the stars and the full moon. It was so blissful and should I say solitude at its finest. Thank you Lord for the needed break. I finally have unwind from all the hustles and bustles of my city life. I could not thank you enough for the beautiful weather and clear skies that night. I am in one with your creation and it has been an awesome experience . It actually reminded me that you exist and that you’ll always be there watching us no matter what.

And again, to cut the drama short… let’s start talking about Bantayan Island — such a beautiful place to wander.

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I left home at around 6:00 am and took the 6:50 bus to Cadiz for 95 pesos. When you reached the terminal, there will be trike drivers who will offer to bring you to the port where the fast craft is. It depends on the number of people so I suggest go in groups so that you’ll pay only 20 – 25 pesos from Cadiz terminal to its port. For 290 pesos, you’ll be able to reach Bantayan Island in 3 hours depending on the weather. Make sure you reached the port before 9:00 am or else, you’ll wait for tomorrow because there’s only one trip each day.

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Bantayan Island is 4 hours away from Bacolod and most of the travel time is spent on the sea. Nevertheless, the place is really worth the time spent waiting. After we reached Bantayan Port, we went to Grez Bell, a restaurant nearby which offers delicious and mouth watering delicacies. Since everyone is so busy with regard to the Pacman and Mayweather fight, we waited for almost an hour but again, it’s worth it. I ordered chicken curry and I swear I love it. My friends ordered steamed veggies and sizzling squid.

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After our oh so fully loaded meal — we are off to see more of the sun, sand and definitely the BEACH!!! Oh yeah! But first we roam around the municipality’s market to check out some goodies. It’s nice and very affordable.

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You need to ride a trike for 25 pesos in order to reach the beach resorts in Sta. Fe which is a 15 – 20 minute ride from the wharf.

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Most of my travel time was spent on daydreaming the white beaches and cloud watching.

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cloud watching to budyong

There are several beach front resorts you can choose from when you reach Bantayan Island. Prices of these resorts range as little as P1,500 to P5,000 per night. Finally, we’re in Budyong Beach Resort! Budyong Beach Resort is one of the most affordable resort in Bantayan Island. It is a nicec place to stay if you are into a great beach experience with your family and friends. The resort takes pride of its location and staff that are very helpful and accomodating. They are recommending activities that make your stay in the island very worthwhile and that includes tricycle transfers, boat and bike rentals. It’s one of the choices when you want a beach resort with powdery white sands and beachfront cottages that offers the best view of the sea. Swimming in front of the resort is also good because the water is clean,cool and no big rocks that can hurt your feet whether it’s high tide or low tide. The place is so serene and calm, just the perfect place for you to destress and unwind. I will surely recommend the resort to my friends.

Budyong Beach Resort Website: http://budyong.byethost7.com/budyong/index.html

For reservations and inquiries, please feel free to reach them thru the following: 

Phone : (032) 438-9285
Mobile : 09213145275
Email : budyongbeachresort@hotmail.com

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Best place to stay with family or friends and just commune with nature.

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We stayed in a fan room worth 1300 pesos which is already good for 4 persons and the only room available that day.

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Front Desk

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Time to feel the island vibe first before we start the fun… fresh green mango shake from Budyong’s Restaurant! It is so refreshing — definitely a must try.

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More pictures of Budyong Beach Resort hoping it will entice you too to stay there… 🙂

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It was such a beautiful place to stay. Late in the afternoon after we’ve settled down, we decided to go island hopping, snorkeling and swimming. It was an amazing experience unfortunately I don’t have a watercam or GoPro to capture the corals and fishes that I’ve seen as well as the beautiful full moon that really capped of my stay. It was a one of a kind experience — my Bantayan Universe experience.

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The moon that is so full and BEAUTIFUL! The best island experience.

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I am such a speed fan and it’s nice to be reunited with an old love. Happiness on wheels and brakes, I am swooned and so excited to test my biking skills after all these years.

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And just what I’ve thought… I still got the skills. I feel so alive and happy. It’s me and my bike to places I’ve never been. Thank you Bantayan Island for making me feel like a kid again. I owe you such a memorable experience. Thank you Lord for keeping me safe too. 🙂

After the island hopping adventures, we were super hungry. We rented bikes and pedalled our way to the most recommended restaurant of the locals — HR Restaurant. Time to fill the growling stomach with sumptous delicacies. Gambas! Chicken! Sinigang! Halo-Halo! Yahoooooo!

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The bar is actually so chill but I decided to be sober that day. I swear I’ll drink on my next visit.

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 And my friends went to buy something as souvenirs while I am biking all over the various blocks.

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Time to swim under the moon and the stars. I will just close my eyes and rekindle the most beautiful memory. Solitude at its finest. I was just there lying on the sand under the infinite stars watching the clouds clear up to give way to the moon. Definitely a-MAY-zing! 🙂

I woke up early to catch the breaking dawn and I was not able to miss it. I was there watching the sun as it totally breaks free.

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Now, time for my usual beach routine — a walk in the beach, alone. There is really something about solitude that makes me feel alive. I know I am weird but I guess I am used to that alone but never lonely feeling. I got God watching me and I am watching his creations. Every beach trip is always an experience I cherished. I captured some of the sights I saw while walking the long stretch of white sand.

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After some walking, time for some biking before we go home.

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Saying goodbye was a little bit hard but the experience is fulfilling. I think I left a piece of my heart to the island that fueled my artistic side. I can now write my thoughts and emotions again. I must say — I was so happy in less than 24 hours and I will definitely come back soon.

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Goodbye island life, until we meet again.

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Posted by on May 5, 2015 in 25, adventures, beach, life, personal, travel

 

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An Attempt

It will be my first after series of attempts in blogging my feelings. I was perfectly fine until surge of emotions from the past hit me and it hit me so hard I fell asleep on my way home. I watched You’re My Boss with my friend and really enjoyed the film as it made me laugh my ass out and made me fall in love with Batanes. I swear, I will not die without visiting the place first. It is so beautiful.

Just like the movie, I can really relate with Georgina in terms of dealing with my life. I know I am a complete love f*cked up. I never gave people the chances they deserve. I am so into my own delusions that I deserve better when I already have the better people that surrounds me. I hate myself for being too harsh and for wishing and hoping that they will be the one who’ll suddenly rush in back to my life but I know it will no longer happen. I had my chance and I choose to let them go. Maybe I’ll end up all alone someday because I am screwing everything. I fear things I should not even fear and I keep my feelings, shove it into the deepest recesses of my soul pretending I am fine and I can really handle it when in fact I am about to explode. I am broken — always been and I don’t know what kind of magic can actually fix me. Maybe for the last time, I would just like to have someone who will tell me that I am not strong, that I am actually a fool and that I am hiding in an image people thought is actually cool and awesome.

I am not.

I hate a lot of things still. I have my own fair share of insecurities. I am full of mysteries only few dared to know more. I want to have someone who’ll actually look me straight in the eyes and tell me that I need some fixing.

Dear Future Husband,

I hope you’ll find me in times that I will be needing you the most. I hope that you’ll have the courage to tell me that I need some tweaking and that I deserve to be happy. I want you to never ever give up when I will give up on believing in happy endings. I want you to say those words I have wanted to hear and not just letting me feel it. I need affirmation from you and never make me guess on who I am into your life. I want a relationship where we treat each other as bestfriends and lovers. I want a relationship that would make me a better person and not be a bitter soon to be old maid who hates her life.

I just want you to help me in discovering my potentials. I just want you to be with me.

An attempt to write my feelings and it’s such an epic fail. Forgive this post my dear readers, I just had too much tonight and I had crazy flashbacks of my past.

 
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Posted by on April 19, 2015 in life, personal

 

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Afternoon Thoughts

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I hope I will find a guy who would actually say these damn words to me. 🙂

I spent my Sunday night thinking, not that it is something unusual because I do that most of the time but it is just a little different though due to the fact that I am thinking about marriage and having a family of my own. The idea actually sickens me. I guess I am not ready to have a baby or even get married. I feel so weird when I imagine myself having those baby bump and worst having a live baby inside my tummy — that freaked me out and I voluntarily forced out the idea in my mind.

At 25, I have thoughts of having a relationship but I guess I am still not ready yet. I think I have a lot of things to do first before committing myself to something that will actually changed my life forever. For a free-spirited kid, I don’t think I will be able to endure that kind of life, well for now, I am really sure of that. I kept on telling myself that I am totally weird and that only few people understands my ambivert kind of personality. I am fully aware of my mood swings to the point that I can actually yell at people when I am extremely mad  but I am proud to say that I am always in  control of everything. I haven’t yell or scream at anybody yet. Thank you, God again for the gift of patience. I practice control in every situation no matter how panicky I can be within. Domineering, yes I am.

I thank the people who are nice to me, people who understands how weird I can be especially if I hate to socialize and lastly people who gained my aloof trust. I am quite difficult, FYI. I have trust issues, I rarely trust people with everything and I hate talking about my sort of kind of dysfunctional life to others. Anything random stuffs, I do share that but not my personal shits.

I am seriously bummed out of my life. I know how it is getting haywire and I am basically stress of all the deadlines to meet yet I am still an ass sleeping my weekend away. I have been sober for a month already, not that I am highlighting my drinking habits because again I can live without Jack Daniels and Don Papa. I can live without beer, rum and soda but never coffee. I became self-destructing after a big family problem I encountered last year. I became a slacker while I am working on my graduate school subjects and I became a happy kid because I dared to to be carefree and decided to live my life the YOLO way. Well, the downside of all this hullabaloos are the following:

  • no savings
  • tactlessness when intoxicated
  • tactlessness in blogging especially when intoxicated
  • no savings
  • NO SAVINGS

It’s not really something though except that for emergency cases, I am screwed.

Anyways, I am changing myself back to my old maid ways. I probably need to have my life redefined after graduate school so instead of blogging  my Monday thoughts here perhaps, I’ll start planning out my corporate study so that I will be able to defend it before the month ends. Oh God, help me out here.

Now for my love sick self, since I am aware that a boy won’t actually define me, I guess it would  be best to say that someday I will be able to find someone who will just make me feel ready for everything, for family, for motherhood and for marriage. I am not closing my door and definitely open for all the endless possibilities life has to offer. For now, let me get myself back to reality as I have deadlines to meet. TTFN.

 
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Posted by on March 9, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Some things that bother you at 24…

I’m a year away from suffering the dreaded quarter life crisis. I’ve been in a constant struggle of deciphering what I really want to happen in my life and how I’ll work on my dreams. It’s a series of emotional turmoils, of drinking cocktails, beers and rhum, of waking up every single day trying to like your pointless job and of wondering what the future beholds when nothing actually makes sense as of the moment.

Being Lost.

I’ve been lost for quite some time. I have a lot of things in mind and lots of dreams to work on.  It’s been a hell of a crazy life we 20-something yuppies need to face. I used to earnestly plan my life with lots of goals being set. I used to think that after graduation I’ll be filthy rich wherein every summer I’m in the best tropical destination the world has to offer and I have lots and lots of cars to ride. Oh well. I also used to list my plans and be the most organized person ever. Guess what, I just ended up being too frustrated. That’s why I hate perfectionist people (check out my last tumblr blog entry where I rant about the perfectionists…).

It’s not what I really think it is. Life after college is a jungle. We need to thrive so that we can survive.  Basically, we are bothered because we are still working on things that we’re not even sure if it’ll work or not. We finally realized that life after college is not actually that easy. But here’s the thing,  being crazily paranoid of your future is pretty much normal at this age.

Being Single.

The best answer on why I’m single is the fact that I’m emotionally unavailable. I’m not a cold-hearted monster. I used to have a healthy, issue – free and happy heart.  It’s been a decade since the last time my heart suffered its first breakage. I have no idea how I survived but I’m glad I did. I’ve been NBSB. I’m not even hard to deal with. I’ve been infatuated for quite some time and I’m now caring for someone who’s been special to me for quite some time now as well.

Let me share why I like this boy because the world needs to know how amazing he is.  I like him because he knows how to deal with my weirdness. He’s not the typical boy.  He’s a little high maintenance which stresses me occasionally. He cares in ways that touch my cold heart. He thawed all the stalactites and stalagmites on each corners of my heart — pretty much exaggerated but true.  I prayed for us, for him, for me. I know that if we’ll end up together I need to adjust to his lifestyle. He’s the complete opposite of my dream guy. He has no abs nor muscles, triceps, biceps whatever it is that most gays drool for. He doesn’t look like Adam Levine. He doesn’t have a tattoo like Adam Levine.  He’s not a poet. He’s not a caffeine addict. He’s not the smartest either…  but I love him. He makes me happy. If you guys wonder why we can’t be together it’s because I have no idea if this feeling will last forever. I don’t know if I can deal with his demons. I don’t know if this is what I want.  I don’t think I can chill each day, drink until the sun is up, rave my way to him and live like I have nothing to worry about. I usually can’t resist him. I can spare a couple of minutes to talk to him even if he’s drunk. We’ve drunk text each other couple of times and wake up like it didn’t happen. Mostly, we argue and laugh our ass out or I confront him with all the girls and gays being linked to him. Oh well. There are days when I asked myself if he’s the one I really want to be with for the rest of my life. My mom told me that she wants me to get married before she die and that I should marry someone who is not like dad. My mom told me it’s hard to marry someone with lots of vices. She doesn’t want me to be a spinster worst, widowed before 50.

I woke up today pondering on yesterday’s happenings. I was able to resist that urge to be with him because I need to set priorities. School is doing great and I have a deadline to meet so instead of chilling, I choose to finish my accounting system but God knows I’m distracted. He’s running in my mind 24/7 and my thoughts kept on loitering that it’s so hard to gather them all. I ended up mentally exhausted. It’s a battle between my emotions and my gift of reason.  It’s crazy. Super crazy. Idk.

Bottomline : Stay single until you finally figure how it works. Don’t be in a relationship just because you’re lonely. I’m single because I fear hurt. I’m single because I don’t know if he’s my forever.

Again, oh well. 

Being Crazy.

Dude…  It’s part of growing up. I’ve realized that I’m not crazy.  Emotions are simply surging during this time of our lives and it’s actually a prelude to being 25 wherein our hormones will be raging the most. Ahmayzing!

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Anyhoo, just chill and trust God’s will. All of our issues today will surely make sense someday. Let’s not force it. Let’s just learn to live each day as chill as possible. Thy will be done.  🙂

 
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Posted by on March 31, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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02/20 – Day 89: Alcohol

Because of this… some lives changed. I am glad I have high alcohol tolerance! 😉

 
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Posted by on February 21, 2012 in drink

 

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12/22 – Day 29: How to Chill at Night

Drink the night away while you reminisce all the good things that happened this year. 🙂

 
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Posted by on December 26, 2011 in drink

 

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