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Friday Morning Solitude.

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He was the thought behind unfinished sentences and discarded blog posts. I write several sentences until my eyes swell and a lump in my throat bothers me. I hit the discard post over save and look at the screen of my phone like a kid deprived of her favorite chocolates. I pray this feeling ends soon because it kills me. It’s like waiting for a moment that you know will never happen but you keep on waiting. You keep on believing that you are awesome and that he should see that like how others see you. You believe that you’re smart, you’re nice and you’re the best he could have. You know you’re worth the words so you choose to wait until he realize that you are the answered prayer. You are his the one.

It was always a battle between justifying my feelings when I know it’ll never be justified at all. I tried to let go countless times but I’m still here stuck with a realization that I’ll never be at peace. I keep on cutting the weeds that suffocate me trying to free myself from his entirety but I can’t. I just can’t.

I look at my phone several times waiting for his text just like how it was before. I keep on wishing nothing actually changed but it changes as months pass by. There’s awkwardness and sadness because the person you thought will never leave you sees you as an option and no longer the priority. Suddenly I keep on asking myself if I’m indeed an asshole. I started to question my worth. I started to doubt myself, started to feel that I’m not enough, started to feel so small in his world. I decided to step back and the loneliness is haunting. I trusted him, told him everything about my life and now I felt that I shared too much of me to someone who does not want to be with me anymore. He’s already keeping a part of himself from me and that makes me actually feel like I can no longer be the person anyone can trust.

I wish to be saved by someone else’s smile and courage to blurt out those words that will awake me from my nightmares and daydreams. I know how hard I prayed to God that I’ll find someone who matches my kind of crazy. He should be honest enough to tell me that I complement his personality. Someone who’ll make me realize that I’m waiting for someone who does not value me because I’m not rich, I’m not beautiful and I’m not smart enough. I’m in limbo of emotions and it’s killing me.

Here’s to my own tragedy… untold, half-written and full of unnecessary pain.

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Posted by on February 26, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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Happy September 1st!

So I got to sort some of my issues and I am starting it right this September.

I should be happy since finally we are able to talk but I don’t get it still. I mean if someone who values friendship, why did it take him so long to reach out and fight for it? Oh yeah, it was me who tried to put closure on an issue that is not supposed to be an issue. If it was not because of me our friendship would really gone haywire without any apparent reason at all. It’s because I got a jerk friend who does not know how to deal with it. I’m still frustrated but I guess this is enough for me to realize a lot of things. I am still mad and I am trying not to be mad because he thinks it’s fix and I don’t want to be the villain in our beautiful friendship. I guess giving it another shot would be a better idea than cussing him from a far.

I should be happy because it’s fix! I mean, we are back to talking terms and that should really be great, right? C’mon! I am telling myself that this is another diary kind of moment but I refused to write about it. I refused to acknowledge the fact that we are already okay. I don’t know if he’ll be a jerk again one day telling me shits and then won’t talk to me all of a sudden. Trust — geez, you had me once but this time it’ll be different. I don’t know how to start over. I don’t know how we can rekindle those days again when I am already stained and I l know I am making a big deal out of it –really. I need to forget about what have happened. I want to forget but the problem is, I never forget things.

I guess I have changed. I mean it’s been liberating to finally speak my mind and just plainly be honest. I have been good for the past years and I tried to avoid conflict as much as possible but as we age we realized that life becomes too complicated if we sugarcoat things. Everyone deserves the truth… no more no less. It’s about being honest to ourselves and being mature enough to deal with things. I am shrugging off all the butterflies in my stomach, shrugging off my fairy tale endings, shrugging off my hopes, shrugging off my prayers, shrugging off my feelings until I see him as a man not a boy. I really want him to be a man, to be strong, to be full of conviction and to finally chase his dreams. Why is it so difficult? Why can’t he be a man? The frustration continues.

A friend told me, “what if instead of praying that he’ll be a man just help him in finding himself and in sorting his own issues in life? You are his friend in the first place. Just be there because he might need someone like you, flawed and lost just like him to survive his own demons.” — Lord… I got shallow problems I know but please lead me to the right path. 

Quoting some beautiful lines from one fellow blogger via : http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/06/a-soul-mate-is-a-mirror-we-accept-the-love-we-believe-we-deserve/

“Soul mates are mirrors to our souls. Whatever we attract is what we are putting out. When we look at the relationships we have chosen they are reflections of how we felt on the inside. Although their personalities may be very different to ours their words and actions play out and speak our deepest insecurities and fears. We allow them a place in our lives and for a time, we even believe their words.

“We accept the love we think we deserve.” ~ Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Until we wake up and recognise the truths about our selves. That we are all deserving of love. We are all a mixture of beautiful and broken. We are all an alchemical blend of darkness and light.

 

We do not need someone else to stand in front of us and tell us this. We do not need to play small in the world. We do not need to cower or dim our light or to be afraid to rise and demand our worth.

When we attract a soul mate that reflects our dark side, it is because there are things we still need to discover and accept about ourselves. They will show us where our weaknesses are, show us our faults, fears, insecurities, demons, imperfections and the relationship can be deeply painful and destructive. The light will constantly focus on areas that we need to work on and mostly the parts of us that need to heal.”

I actually do not know what step to take but I guess I’ll let it be… thy will be done.

Work makes me lose my mind.

My life is still revolving on shades of gray.

I have this feeling that I am about to have some of my prayers answered.

I want to start my BER months in a more positive note. Let’s do this!!!!

Note to self:

 
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Posted by on September 1, 2015 in 25, journal, life

 

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Enigma.

I’ve been unproductive lately.I choose to be unproductive by the way.  I think I needed some 4-day break for me to detach and sort my emotions out so that I can decide if I will be moving to a different place, probably try a new career or bum out and wait for some sort of a fairy Godmother who will lift all the curses my life have for the past few months. Nah, I’m crazy.

Seriously, I’ve been lounging at home while the rain pours down heavily on our rooftop. I can hear it while I am typing all the letters in this electronic blank space. My head is clouded with thoughts and until now ‘Day 3’ of my leave, I am still undecided on what will my next step in life would be. Maybe I will be committing grammar blunders here again because I am typing so fast as of the moment. I remembered my thoughts before I go to sleep last night. I got some issues to sort out like my pride and attitude. I have been difficult for the past few weeks. Difficult in the sense that I really make people that I don’t want to talk to feel that I don’t want to talk to them at all. My supervisor is actually one of them and yeah, I know I a bit of a challenge. I had coffee with my close friends during break time and I heard what I just said. Sometimes I am going way overboard with my mouth since it is not actually cooperating with my angelic side but I guess honesty is just too liberating. Apart from being an asshole this past few weeks, I am still delivering what is expected from me and my team.

I have been mysterious in some sort of kinda way. Maybe people think I am nice or whatever. Well, I am not. I know I am not nice. I am nice to people that are nice to me. I talk to people that I want to talk to. I respect people. I don’t judge easily. I like those that can compliment my brain but I know that I am not the nicest of all people. I am just being me. If some people ignore me, I ignore them too. Life is easy if you do what others do unto you. I am full of disgust to egocentric people and those that are just plainly trying too hard to be on top. I control my anger because I am nasty when I am in rage, good if I will just walk away and not be too hysterical of the situation.

I have been thinking deeply for the past few days if where I am is still healthy. I have dramas at home, dramas in my own life, dramas with friends and all kinds of dramas to deal with. I wanted an escape from my own comfort zone. I wanted a change of everything but it seems that there are things holding me back. Starting new can be exciting and terrifying but I realized escaping my reality will do more harm than good. I remembered crying myself to sleep last night, blame it to Spotify’s #Hugot playlist that’s full of bullshit songs I choose to listen to. I hate memories, it kills me. Just when I thought I am fine, a sudden gush of emotions filled with beautiful memories came to me. Wow, just wow.

I know I miss him so much. I realized that he’s the one I can share everything without hesitation. He can make me laugh when I am  really really mad and he can ease any tension that I feel. Now that he’s  gone,  life still goes on but with a little difficulty. It’s hard not to have that go to buddy when you are stress. I know I wanted this, I prayed for this moment that he’ll just stay away if he’ll just hurt me in the end but I guessed he still hurt me in ways I can never imagine. I still have questions in my mind, questions I wanted to ask, things to clarify and all those things I wanted to know  but I just can’t force it. I wanted to swallow my pride and reach out again but I don’t think it is right. I tried it once but he does not want me to know even if there’s really an underlying issue, I know I can sense it. People like him are just too hard to decipher when they start to zone out. I know him too well but at this point, I don’t actually understand him. I know we can just talk things out but this one’s a little bit different. I think he judged me already based on the text message which is just so unfair if that’s the case. We do crazy things when we’re intoxicated and I’ve been really crazy that night well half cray cray but then again I know the next day it’s not really sort of a big deal that is why I was still normal but he started zoning out for Chrissake! I know I have feelings but I know it’s not the right time to level it up and be on the romantic side of all things. I don’t think I am ready and he’s just too much to take in. I don’t think it’s going to work out provided he’ll still be himself. It’s fun and all those cute stuff but I am into a long term commitment kind of person, I want my first boyfriend to be my last and those principles I believed in are actually turning me into an old maid. Letting my guards down was actually fun but I know what I really want in my life… I want someone who is dependable, a man who believes in his own convictions and a man who knows what he wants. I don’t need a YOLO guy for the rest of my entire existence here on Earth. I am not being too ideal, I guess a girl has a right to know what he wants for his future husband. I know that at this point, he is not even half of that person I want to spend the rest of my life with but I must admit that I am praying and wishing that someday he’ll change. I guess I wasted my time praying and hoping.

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Maybe he was too afraid to face all the possibilities.

I don’t think being committed to someone is a good idea as of the moment (I am not sourgraping). I was not able to find anyone whom I really like with the qualities of my future husband will be. I mean I got lots of issues to face, problems to deal with and all I need is a friend — a best friend who knows me and yeah I got a lame person who shrugged me off his life leaving me alone without explaining why. Just when I thought he knew me too well, I guess I was wrong. I am not like the other girls in your past, you cannot compare me to them. Since when did I become too clingy? Maybe when I am too drunk and crazy but that’s just it. When I wake up, I am back into my old self realizing I cannot depend much on others to survive. You are another reason why I should stop trusting people. I gave you that trust I rarely give but you turned your back and left me hanging. I don’t know what you’ve been up to lately. I don’t know if you even miss me as much as I miss our long talks. I don’t know you anymore.

I know I am turning into a mad person then emo all of a sudden. I wanted to be mad — well, I have all the right to be mad. You are a coward and an asshole too. Maybe that is why we are friends but I just cannot believe that you can treat me that way. You know me, I will always understand you. I will always be here for you — not because of that crazy feelings I had but because you were my friend. You know how much I care for the people I trust, for the people I value… but even a single explanation, I was not able to get that from you. It hurts to know that I am not even worth an explanation — even a text. If you try to reach out again, do you think I’ll ignore you? No. I will still welcome you and forget all of this shits you’ve been up to. I want the truth, all I want is the truth coming from you. I rather hear the most painful truth than live my life with a beautiful lie. I want you to tell me in a sober conversation, why?

I know I will still be that difficult person to deal with after this blog entry. At 25, I feel more mature and that everyone now listens to what I say. I am no longer the young kid at work, I am now making my own name. I want to be empowered, motivated and driven in my career but as I am gearing towards that path, I become too heartless and focused. I am starting to hate myself but circumstances taught me never to trust anyone too much again.

Yeah, thanks to you by the way!

 
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Posted by on August 22, 2015 in journal, life

 

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How it has been so far?

I wanted to control my urge to write but I guess some feelings need to be vent out again for me to feel a little better.

I cut my hair recently.

I unfollowed my ex-friend in Tumblr.

I stopped caring.

Life was a bit simpler this past week and I can say I am back to my old sarcastic and half-witty self. I can now manage to see him without the desire to strangle him and scream what is wrong but I am actually still have my mood swings once in a while. I am still taming my monster side. Just when I thought I am able to manage my anger very well… oh yeah, I am back to square one. I am still my old self. 😲

I hate being mad because things become disastrous. I cannot stop myself from yelling or screaming or I have no idea what I can actually do. I actually prefer to cry instead of throwing something towards that person. I also walk away before I can hurt anyone. Anger does more harm than good.

I must admit I miss him but I am still wondering on the root cause of the sudden change in behavior. I have theories in mind but it won’t lead me into a concrete reason why he became indifferent. I asked myself, is it something I said? The text? What? I won’t assume that he loves me and plainly being confused or assume that he hates me because we are able to text each other after. He knows how I hate bullshit stuff and what he’s doing to me is actually bullshit at its finest. I can deal with the harsh truth than be stuck in a limbo of assumptions.

I was fighting for my feelings. I am shrugging it off because I fear rejection and commitment. I fear the pain that love brings. I fear too much attachment only to realized I lured myself into my own grave. I brought my fears into life and I am battling it right now. He was not my ideal guy but he complimented my brains and made me trust someone completely which rarely happens by the way. I got trust issues but with him I can be my ugly wasted self without caring what he might think of me. I am now writing this part with a heavy heart because I miss my bestfriend. I miss the random talks, foodtrips and laughtrips. It is so hard to be alright and accept that our friendship ended with a big question mark.

My pride tells me to stop reaching out and let things happen as they are meant to happen. I stopped chasing for answers and instead set a stupid timeline. I give you the space you wanted. I realized that I can actually survive without you. You know that feeling when you wanted to share a story and you are the first one who comes into my mind? I wanted to share it to you then we will laugh and forget about the stress we feel at work. I badly control myself not to ping you because my pride tells me that if you want to really talk to me you could have pinged me already weeks ago but you did not. You choose not to and I choose to let go.

I just think it is still unfair of you not telling me though. I guess I am not even worth an explanation.

I shrugged off my feelings because I still cling into that idea that maybe I will find someone who is as hot like Doug Kramer, as smart as Marc Nelson, as God-fearing as Paul Soriano, as cool as Drew Arellano, as handsome as Marlon Stockinger and as amazing as my father. I got this high standards when it comes to relationship only to realize that I have been shrugging my feelings for someone who is not even close to my ideals but complimented me in ways I can no longer explain. You are indeed my greatest nightmare dressed like a daydream. You are so much to take in. I wanted a man but I got a 30-year old boy who still does not know what he really wants in life. I know I deserve someone better as what our friends say but I still empathize with you. I fear your fears. I fear commitment. I fear being attached to you and be in an actual relationship because I am so afraid of your world. I do not know how to fit into it when I am the laidback type. I am low maintenance and the simple things can actually make me happy. I know our financial status is way different since I am the heir of my family’s financial problems. I grew up rich and suffered bankruptcy when I was 19. Life was never easy back then. I had my own issues to fix and my pride tells me that I need to be established first. I seek for a long term relationship. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with someone and not just enter into something half-baked. I prayed for that moment. I prayed hard.

We need to probably sort things out while we are sober and be honest about our fears and feelings. We cannot totally escape this by not talking and pretending one does not exist. I want to give the space you wanted before I totally confront you. This ain’t cool in dealing with life issues. I will never attain the peace I wanted with a hanging chapter in my life.

It’s still a blurry path to the unknown. Work exhausts me and I cannot help but displaced my anger to my supervisor who keeps on nagging us. I want to actually be blunt and just tell him that his ideas are sometimes stupid. I got raging hormones to deal with each day and I do not f*ckingly know how to be chill except of course if I choose to walk away and eat out at dawn alone. I need a break.

That’s it.

😤😥😧

 
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Posted by on August 11, 2015 in life

 

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Sunday Confessions.

It’s been a week without communicating.

I am mad at him for not telling me what is wrong, for being indifferent towards me and for being unfair. I am in rage, I can feel the anger seeping into my system. I wanted to yell, to scream and hate him for what he is doing hurts me a lot. You don’t know how much pain you’re causing me right now. I still cannot forgive myself after that text. I cannot comprehend still what made me say those words but I know how wasted I am that night. It already happened, I cannot take those words anymore.

I still don’t get it why you are so indifferent towards me. I am your crazy bestfriend in the office. We talk about random and silly things. We talk about work shits and we laugh all the time. We should not be affected by the words we say or text when we are drunk. You told me you love me, I never bothered because you are drunk. I texted you goodnight and keep safe and you got bothered. Is it the love part? Is it the worry? Is it the care I had for you? You are my bestfriend, you are important to me. A part of me will die if something happens to you. I cannot imagine my life without you. I trusted you so much of my own issues, you know how much I do not like to talk about personal shits but I did because you are trustworthy.

I miss you. I miss my bestfriend. I miss us. I don’t care about love because I am a complete fucked up. I just want the old us, I want my friend back. Earlier today I prayed hard. I prayed to God to cast away my anger towards you. Bad things happen to the people I hate and I cannot do that to you. I cannot curse people I value so I prayed and repented. I am sorry.

I decided to be true to myself. I realize how you impacted my life in reasons I can no longer explain. Days without you seem to be so dull. Life at work becomes stressful. I love you, it’s true. I love you but I want our friendship to last forever. I want this friendship to work, to be just like the old times. That is what I need in my life right now. I do not know how to handle being in a relationship. I mean, what I had a decade ago was an almost relationship that was so amazing until it lasted. I never decided to give in after that. It took me almost a decade to forgive myself. I never let my guards down as what I’ve always say. I have no idea what happened that night. It’s like someone took over myself. Well, those were feelings I shrugged off. Feelings I am afraid to face and deal, feelings that I hid because I am too ashamed to admit and feelings that I took for granted because I know will just complicate everything.

God, I rest my case. I don’t know how to move on when there is too much to remember. You cannot just forget a friend, a friend that is so damn real. It stings still when I remember the good times. It hurts me so bad not knowing the reason why. You just shut me off and here I am wondering why.

It was just a text, it was nothing unless of course if you felt something too. I know I was never sweet towards you but I do care for you. With what have happened to you almost a month ago, I started to worry about your well-being. I want to be there for you, to help you out and support you. I think that is normal to care it’s just that even I was shocked of my own sweetness towards you. I know you are not used to it but it happened already. I am sorry if you felt so awkward but you should have told me rather than avoiding me. You are so frustrating. I reached out and asked you already but it seems that you do not want to talk about it further.

You are my bestfriend. I will give you the space that you want. I am just a text away if you need me. I will always  be here for you. I need to stop seeking for answers. I need to be patient enough and let things happen. I cannot control circumstances but I can control myself. I don’t want to sulk into misery of understanding and hating you. I cannot waste more time. I cannot be depress for too long.

I just miss you so much. Can we be bestfriends again? Let’s forget those feelings. 😢

 
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Posted by on August 2, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Let Me Write What I Feel.

I guess I am always a universe full of secrets. I have been this way since time immemorial. To be honest, I am not the one who shows her feelings because I have been building walls for years already. I am not the type who jumps into relationship for the sake of having one. I am not the reckless kid who gets drunk and have sex with random strangers just because you only lived once. I am not the typical lady. I am not even a lady. I don’t wear make up, I don’t wear dresses, I don’t date… I don’t fucking care.

I have been like this and I am embracing this personality inch by inch. I like who I am, I like who I become.

I am independent. I can manage to be alone in a coffee shop without feeling lonely. I watch movies I want to watch whether I am with friends or alone. I can be with group of people, in a crowd or alone. I am comfortable whenever and wherever I want to be.

I have been lost, been blabbing about it already for years. This quarter life thingy is really getting into my nerves. I mean, I have planned my life so hard, but voila I am not even an inch where I want to be. I feel like a complete f*cked up. I graduated with a great bachelor’s degree then took up my master’s degree for nothing. Errrr…. still a complete dope.

I cannot forgive myself because I let my guards down. I never give in to stupid gestures. I always believed I am heartless. I remembered the last time I had someone in my life. I think like a man, I hate complications. I hate bullshits. I want you to tell me straight if you like me or not so that I can just do the band aid pull if I am not interested. Please cut off the stares, the chummy smiles… it makes me nauseous. I don’t even have a tinge of romance in my system. I have been like this for almost a decade. I feel sick whenever I get involved or almost involved with someone who is interested in me. After my heart got broken, torn into pieces I decided to pick myself up slowly. I decided not to let my guards down anymore because I know I will just end up alone again. Now, here I am facing the worst thing that have happened to myself, being sweet (just saying that word made me cringe). God. HELP!

I drunk text my bestfriend something 2 Sundays ago.

I told him to take care and text me once he’s home because he freaks me out sometimes especially when he’s driving drunk and alone. I stupidly texted him stuff that make me want to die after I read those text thread 3 days after. I honestly did not dare to look at our conversations after I woke up Monday morning. I was scared. I do crazy things when I am drunk. I am careless, reckless… totally crazy. I feel happy and free and I know I got totally wasted that night. I tried to be normal though. I don’t want to be affected but things actually changed between us. He seems to be cold, a little distant that I don’t actually understand. It was awkward.

I tried to reach out, still trying to be normal but he’s not. I then wonder what seems to be the problem so I decided to check the thread of text messages that we have that night.

OH GOD. LORD. OH GOD. 

I was screaming inside. I was hysterical. I am horrified.

OH GOD. LORD. OH GOD. 

Those are the words I kept on uttering as I lie in my bed, hands over my face, trying to hide from the hideous memories.

I even called him “LAB” (that “buki” endearment).

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, I AM SO SORRY!

This ain’t chill you know. I don’t do shit like this. I am cold, so cold even a polar bear can live in my heart. I mean I do have feelings for him but I let it grow in the darkest corners of my cerebral system. Yes, I write about him but still I cannot believe I am finally showing it. I mean I am not good at this stuff because I am not used to being chummy but I don’t know. I detached myself if things get too complicated. I already heard him say those three words but I never believed it. I was never awkward. Tang ina, who would believe a drunk person?

Awkward tayo? Ba’t ganun? Hindi ko gets!

So there, I have been freaking out for the past few days. I even took the courage to ask him what could have been wrong, why the sudden change and he said he just got lots of problems to deal with. eh di wow! Seriously?

I don’t want to believe you though. I know I am part of the problem. I just don’t get it. I mean what you’re doing to me right now is a bit unfair. You start to be distant and cold. You make me feel like I have a disease or something. You make me feel like I am not even worthy to be love. The moment you became cold, I get it. You don’t love me. You made me feel so hideous and that hurts you know. It hurts to accept the fact that yes, I broken some walls I build for years to a love that crushed me back into pieces. If you want space, then tell me. You don’t keep people hanging somewhere trying to decipher what the hell is wrong. I am not stupid.

You broke my ego. You broke my heart. 

I just cannot believe you are so willing to let go of our friendship that easily by shutting me off your life. FINE.

 
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Posted by on July 28, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Just Because…

Finally, I decided to write before I totally explode.

I feel a little sad, kinda depressed or maybe just a bit lonely… I can also blame the rainy weather for the past two days that actually heightens my emo side. I have no idea where all of these are coming from but nevertheless, I can feel my heart wallowing into the most painful emotions I can ever imagine. First, I am totally frustrated. Honestly, after graduation I hear a lot of comments from friends even teachers and mentors why I did not graduate with honors when I actually deserved it. Usually I smile and tell them that it’s just how it is. I am stupid in accounting and I did not make it — plain and simple. I get so tired rehashing all the things in my academic life so I rather blame myself from being incompetent when in reality I know I am not. I brushed it off because I don’t think it would be healthy for me to continuously talk about what have happened. I already said my piece before and I don’t want to be bitter anymore. I shed tears no one could ever imagined, I don’t talk about it, I just let it die like other issues life has to offer but I guess you cannot just remove the stain so easily. If I will just be real, I guess I have been whining and ranting but I am simply controlling myself. I feel so bad when I know how I too exerted effort to make ends meet in my graduate school life. I have achieved a lot only to fail in the end but I accepted that truth, even the best fall down sometimes.

Also, this being single is getting off my nerves lately. Is it just me or my raging hormones trying to control me again or probably another shitty jealousy with someone? I don’t care but I just want to say my piece. I am frustrated with my situation. It’s been months or should I say years of fighting, of constantly trying to escape from this feelings… of letting go and of hurting. How stupid can I actually get? I am aware that I am actually stupid and that what I am doing is stupid and that texting him is actually stupid and waiting for him to say those words again is actually stupid. No matter how I wallow and rant on why am I not even worth the words I know I will end up with nothing. It’s like my insecurities are boosted when I know I can’t be like her girl friends who can actually be her wife because they do the same shits and I am boring with all the degrees I have and me trying to be just nice. I am not a prude but I left something for myself, a little dignity — but I don’t think it’s cool. Anyways, this is my complicated shitty love life I am trying to escape from for years. It’s like I’m the best example of friendzoned at its finest. I found myself attracted to another guy yet he’s married and the idea of really pursuing this crush thing sickens me to death. It’s pathetic, I am more than that even know I find his mind a little interesting and the way he looks at me makes me actually wonder what’s running in his mind. I enjoy his company and I know he feels the same way with me yet we all know our limits. It was so easy to let go because I know there’ll be no chance for us so I go back again to the one I loved and again feel the hurt of being not enough. This is so not me. The feelings changed me into someone who looks out for another human being and putting him as one of my priorities. It scares me but just like drugs, I am drawn to him even if I know it’s bad. I know that eventually he’ll just hurt me. I know that in the end he’ll just tell me we’re just friends and then what’s next? I’ll have my own pity party and be wasted. No degree of whatsoever can actually find me love!!! I always ask myself… am I not enough? I am not a lawyer, a doctor, a super model, a pretty lady with a 36-24-36 vital statistics and definitely not like Georgina Wilson or any celebrity she’s crushing on. I am just myself — and I guess it will never be enough.

Life is a little shitty nowadays and I actually want to cry. I don’t know when will my problems end or as if it will ever end. Family issues to deal with. Career that is now a little bit stable but some process really gets into my nerves as well and I just want to scream all the way telling people to stop trying so hard to be great leaders when in fact, they are creating a chaotic environment. Holy guacamole! I hope you’ll realized  that some of you guys seriously need some refresher on right way to lead.

That’s my May weather thoughts and I know that I will regret blogging this again when my hormones become stable but nevertheless I will not delete this just because I am a coward. Read it people. Read it friends. This is me, I am a universe full of unsaid emotions and thoughts. Welcome to my world… my pains, my frustrations and my reality.

This is how my story goes on video…

P.S.: Don’t pity me. I will survive this mess so just pray for me instead. 🙂

 
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Posted by on May 3, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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