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Dreadful Thoughts.

12 Mar

I found myself alone inside a fast food restaurant shoving fries in my mouth while watching the raindrops slowly dripping on the crystal glass. Too many words in my mind and I’m ready to write again about my feelings for tonight.

The thoughts did not stop instead it kept on going and going until I got exhausted and drove myself home. I felt my heart suddenly sank and the emotions then again drowned me. I prayed too loud to the point of begging God, not now — not this year. I can’t imagine my life without meaning. I don’t know how I’ll survived without my mom. I know she’s getting older and weaker and God knows that she’s been through a lot in this lifetime. All I want is more time.

Last March 7 my mom celebrated her birthday and told me it might be her last. I don’t know how to respond except that I smiled and told her that she’ll still be with us until 100. I know this conversation will come and reality tells me I don’t have much time. People and family members would always say that she’s alive because of me and all that she’s waiting is for me to settle down and have a family of my own. My heart breaks whenever I hear those words not because I’m pressured but because I feel that even it’s about time she chooses to stay for me. God knows how much I love her and she’s the only reason why I keep going. Every day the thought of losing her haunts me. I cannot exist without her. I just can’t.

I’m trying to sort my plans especially when she’s gone and I’m still single. I’ll probably find a job abroad and live on my own or stay and feel the loneliness of a barren house. I might go back to my old ways of going home intoxicated just temporarily forget the sadness I feel. The pain is ripping my heart and my mind is in great chaos — imagining that kind of pain is torturous to the soul.

My reality tells me that I’m hoping too much in this world. I still have a lot of hope and a lot of faith. I recalled how I survived my past challenges by escaping with people who understands me, who are crazier and sad but sees hope by looking forward of every fun weekend. It’s the story behind each bottle that floods the chaos of our soul. It’s the fun memories you make out of a drunken night that make you forget the cruelness life has to offer. It’s the bad decisions turned into a funny memory. No matter how reality surely bites, the pain didn’t last for long as long as you’re in good company. Maybe I’ll do it again just to regain the temporary happiness when all the hope is gone.

Today, I fear what tomorrow beholds. I fear that I will lose it all — my reason to exist. Maybe I wanted to get married and have a family of my own. Maybe I don’t. Maybe I’ll find someone who’ll choose me over and over again and build a family. Maybe I’ll wait for more years. Maybe I’ll get tired and keep on escaping until I get exhausted. All the maybes, all the what ifs and no certainty on what’s next.

My manager told me to let go, let go of everything including my mom. Maybe it’s about time for me to tell her that even without her I’ll survive knowing I have a job and boyfriend already that will care for me when she’s gone. Honestly, I just can’t let go. My job is not stable and I don’t want to be a burden to the boy I love. I can’t let go of the reason why I choose to exist no matter how badly I wanted to die. I have millions of reasons to no longer exist and few to live. I’m tired of this crappy world but I choose to keep going for my mom.

Suddenly it made sense to me why my mother always tell me to bear a child before she goes. Maybe she feels that with a child I’ll find meaning again, a better reason to exist and to not die out of depression. My mom knows and feels she’s the reason I am not giving up.

I kept on talking fervently to God on my way home begging for more years until I’m settled, until I find meaning in life again. Today makes sense because of my mother and even how much love I can give to other people, they are all dispensable but not our parents especially our mother who sacrificed her life for us, who carry us in their wombs and who gave us unconditional love. No one can be in her shoes.

My heart crushes whenever the thought resides in my mind. I can’t, I just can’t live without her. Again, I begged to give five to ten years of my life in exchange for more years with my mom. It’s my Simala prayer… more years. More Years. I love her so much and I just can’t live without her… not now please, not this year.

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Posted by on March 12, 2018 in Uncategorized

 

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