Warning: Rants, just rants.
Making myself better by this words.
It’s 11:11pm when I opened WordPress and I’m still thinking of a better title for this blog post. Better stick to what came up my mind during that particular moment. Also, to heighten my 11:11 phenomena I made a wish.
It’s another weekend and my mind just wants to unwind. I think I overslept thus the laziness that I feel.
I am currently sulking in my room nursing the pain I feel. It’s like holding my shattered heart and trying to puzzle all those shards out and when it’s almost perfect you’ll just throw it on the wall and listen to the sound of those broken pieces. Terrible, I know.
Never have I thought I’ll be able to escape my own insecurities. I know my strengths but my weaknesses even better. I do not even know why I am allowing my mind to cripple me. My thoughts can be so intoxicating, it always remind me to stop hoping for someone who can actually see how worthy I can be. NO ONE.
I guess all those failed almost relationships stained everything. Until now I see myself as ugly, fat, unlovable and pathetic but I’ve accepted those flaws already. I learned to love my unlovable side. No one will be able to love me so I’ve decided to love myself. I choose to be better and cold.
Every 11:11 I wish to find someone who’ll just accept me for who I am and be man enough to tell me he loves me. I wish to find love for I wasted my life hoping it’ll all be better in the end. I am left with false hopes, bottles of beers, stupid poetry, depression, stress eating and broken heart. At this age, I’m becoming more hopeless than I used to be.
Those butterflies are killed.
I’m trying to sort my life but I think I’m still making stupid decisions. I’m tired of crying because all these years I haven’t achieved much of what I’ve planned out. I’m pretty much a loser pretending I got it all figured out. Modern dating sucks. Relationships sucks and meant for other people except me. It’s like I’ve been cursed.
Boys trying to enter my life and won’t even stay so why enter in the first place? Door’s open LEAVE.
Friends who’ll try to tell you all those good words but your life didn’t change anyway.
Life trying to surprise you and hurts you anyways.
Family who said they’ll support you and start ghosting anyway.
I pretty much always end up with myself. I know I can make it through this drama probably just sleep my feelings and dream about beaches and sunsets then wake up regretting this blog post.
11:11 — I wish I didn’t exist because to live without feeling a sense of purpose is meaningless and I don’t want to grow old alone so please God, do your thing.
Good job Cupid for granting other people’s desires while you keep on missing mine since my birth. Screw you for always messing up!
** Bon Nuit**