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Midsummer Thoughts.

01 May

In between my daily routine I usually find myself daydreaming. My mind wanders around to nowhere thinking if I am not who I an today then probably I am a celebrity with a busy schedule, a young female pilot envied by many or a poet whose books are ought to read and cried by the faint-hearted. I guess I have a lot of things going in my mind when I wanted to escape my reality.

Some may wonder what more can I ask for. I mean I seem to be chill and knows how to manage my life, my time and people. Honestly, I am not what most people think I am. My sanity revolves around being insane most of the time. I escaped the pangs of my demons now sealed somewhere in my brain — they are controlled by my rational side, imprisoned by my choices not to succumb into pure despair that would result to pretty much a dumb decision. 

I am still not the happiest person. Last time I check, I’m still sad but not the kind of sad that makes me cry for hours thinking how miserable my life is. Just that kind of sadness when you look at around you and you’re all alone to face each day. 

Months ago, I let go of the unreciprocated love I had for years. It was perhaps my best decision because it opened my eyes to various realities that made me better. It was so intoxicating that forgetting him was so refreshing. All the vines that suffocated me slowly lose their grip and withered because I no longer fed it with my selfish hopes. I know letting go is a strength I never knew I had. I lose my own meaning because I thought I existed because of him. I hoped someday he’ll realized it all — that I am worth it. I got tired, I felt so stupid letting people consume me instead of loving myself alone. I should not have relied to others to complete me, I should be complete without anyone and that is who I am now.

I looked at myself in the mirror knowing that I am better than ever. I scanned what’s left in me, everything seems to be fine except that sinking hole I feel. It was a pit full of fears. I convinced myself I am fine and I know I am but fear reminds me that despite my strength and confidence to take the world, I still fear to live my life alone. I rationalize this with a fact that people are social creatures so they need people to survive. I know I got no problem with socializing but I guess the fear is not having anyone to love as my own. It’s been a while since the last time I my heart was preoccupied. I loved too long with false hopes in between but today I love no one at all. 

Maturity mixed​ with reality made me assume less and let life happen. I no longer feel the butterflies, the hopes and all those magical feelings. I only see busy roads, crowded streets and people living. I only have reality, a reality that I am alone with my aging mom; a work that pays my needs and a life that I don’t actually understand if will make sense someday. Reality bites me and every day I drift to survive looking forward for the next payday or travel plans just to spice up my own boredom.

Life has nothing special going and I envy those who may be poor but is complete knowing they have a family to love and hold. 

As I walked into the crowded mall, I wonder what if people have thought bubbles popping while they walk… I wonder what’s mine.

The loneliness seeping into my veins is not yet intoxicating because probably this is what I really deserve. My end of day thoughts and what I’ll do next day keeps me busy to realize that what I need right now is probably a dose of madness — I once have now lost.

Life they say is full of surprises and today my life is at plateau. Nothing special going just sleep, work, eat and repeat kind of life. I got friends, I got a job and I am healthy. My mother is now better so what more can I ask for right? If this is the life I’ll be having for the next years, I wish to end it anytime soon because boredom sucks. I guess complacency in life still bores me.

I’ll daydream and dream to survive each day. I was reminded after my solo trip that life is still worth living. I know it is — how long will I believe it is is the question? Probably after life will surprise me again.
What’s​ in store life? What’s up?

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Posted by on May 1, 2017 in Thoughts Brewery

 

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