I woke up with a desire to write my thoughts and prayed that what I feel right now be my reason for living.
As I squander my thoughts and forcing myself to remember my dreams, I came across a realization — I am still optimistic. It has been weeks of constant wondering and battling my recurring sadness. Depression is something not all people totally understand and I don’t seek to be understood. Some may wonder why people like us suffer from such when the world is actually cruel to others too. All of us have our own demons and we battle it one by one — some end up victorious and some are being dragged to darkness and lose it. I’m somewhere in between.
My life has always been in between extremes and I usually open my arms wide and scream to God to take it all away. I usually surrender before I lose the argument of why me of all the people in the world? Life is such a tease and I’m at my wits end.
You read articles about depression its causes and how we cope. You can seek professional help or like my case I battled it alone because I fear to be judge like a psychopath. I don’t need medication, I need an outlet. I kept myself busy reading self-help books trying to find purpose in this life but as days pass by I still feel incomplete. Life is pointless and I don’t actually know why I am still living. I live a routine life, trying to break it once in a while yet all that I am and all that I did is just something dispensable. The world will survive without me.
Depression for me is not just an illness but a state when you no longer find meaning in everything no matter how beautiful your life is in the eyes of others. You don’t know the battle we constantly face, you don’t know how it feels to live without a purpose.
As I watch every sunset and sunrise, I long for that day when everything finally makes sense. I long for the day when I’m excited to wake up and live. Every day feels the same, I keep myself busy with work or hangout with great set of friends and I end up alone in my room thinking… until when will I feel such emptiness?
I write my thoughts hoping to inspire those who are battling or find people who suffered and survived. I wish not to die without feeling alive. People like me ain’t ordinary. You need to dig deeper, to meet my demons and play with them. I don’t open up to people not because I fear to be judged but because not all understand. I survived it before by not losing my faith and right now I’m breathing because I don’t have a better choice. I hope one day I’ll stumble upon answers to my questions. I hope to fill the cup of madness once again — to live my life like the way it was before adulthood happened, a life when I’m not haunted by my thoughts and just plainly inspired of what the future may bring.