I’m not cold hearted, contrary to what other people think of me. I don’t have high standards and I don’t understand why men are intimidated by my wit and quirkiness.
As I watch the clouds pass by, I came into life queries that are so difficult to answer in a snap. I asked myself what’s wrong. I asked myself all the whys and what ifs the world has to offer. In silence, I can feel my heart drowning in various emotions I got no words to further explain such feeling except that loneliness creeps in leaving me in blues.
I go back to where it all started.
I gave my heart to people who didn’t love me as much as I love them. The first one left because I lied to him. The second one, well I pretty much assumed that he’s into me and left me hanging in between then he’s gone and left me for granted. The last one was almost the right one but my insecurities build up walls that separated us. I still wish someday he’ll find himself and be mature in dealing with everything and finally for him to stand firmly on what he feels rather than not face it at all. I learned that love is not just about having someone who accepted you for being you but it’s also about timing and external factors. It’s about how you fight for it regardless of anything. I am alone because I didn’t fight for what I feel. I am alone because I got scared of his world. I am alone because he didn’t tell me how much I mean to him. It was probably just plain friendship that grew up into something…
Whenever I recall the days we used to spend together, I cannot help but be sad because those were the days that I’m happy. I never thought I’ll ever learn to care and love someone. I guess I’ll be forever thankful for him because I was able to care for someone more than I cared for myself and it’s a good thing. I guarded myself for too long and only God knows how much I prayed that he’ll be the one. God left me unanswered prayers that just frustrated me. Things changed now… I am no longer bothered of us not being together. It saddens me sometimes how I’ve exerted too much time and effort for someone who’ll choose beer and tequila over me.
As I enter a new year being single I accepted the fact that maybe I’ll end up with no one. I watched my friends find their significant others, some got married and some have kids already. Life is not perfect but I’ve seen them happy having someone by their side, someone who loves them more than they love themselves and it’s such a beautiful sight to see.
Sometimes, I wish to have someone who’ll be there for me during the times when I feel so ugly and weak. Someone to remind me that I’m amazing and someone who will make me priority number one regardless of what’s going on in his life. God, if you’re listening right now… You’ve seen how stupid I can be and how shallow my happiness is. I may miss those car rides, drunken moments and non-stop talks… and how I wish I’ll meet that guy too, not the same like my recent past but someone whom I can banter around on what food to choose in McDonald’s. I want someone I can laugh too and someone who’ll hold my hand when I’m pretty much confused of what’s going on with everything in my life.
I’m tired of being strong. I’m tired of being alone.
Love is something endearing, something that warms the frozen corners of our heart and leave us unguarded. It gives us hope in humanity and it makes us believe that life is worth living. Loving someone is a beautiful feeling only few people are lucky to experience. Love month is about to come and I’m still single. How I long for that day when Valentines is one day I’ll look forward to. How I long for love… A love that will last forever this time.