It’s been a week without communicating.
I am mad at him for not telling me what is wrong, for being indifferent towards me and for being unfair. I am in rage, I can feel the anger seeping into my system. I wanted to yell, to scream and hate him for what he is doing hurts me a lot. You don’t know how much pain you’re causing me right now. I still cannot forgive myself after that text. I cannot comprehend still what made me say those words but I know how wasted I am that night. It already happened, I cannot take those words anymore.
I still don’t get it why you are so indifferent towards me. I am your crazy bestfriend in the office. We talk about random and silly things. We talk about work shits and we laugh all the time. We should not be affected by the words we say or text when we are drunk. You told me you love me, I never bothered because you are drunk. I texted you goodnight and keep safe and you got bothered. Is it the love part? Is it the worry? Is it the care I had for you? You are my bestfriend, you are important to me. A part of me will die if something happens to you. I cannot imagine my life without you. I trusted you so much of my own issues, you know how much I do not like to talk about personal shits but I did because you are trustworthy.
I miss you. I miss my bestfriend. I miss us. I don’t care about love because I am a complete fucked up. I just want the old us, I want my friend back. Earlier today I prayed hard. I prayed to God to cast away my anger towards you. Bad things happen to the people I hate and I cannot do that to you. I cannot curse people I value so I prayed and repented. I am sorry.
I decided to be true to myself. I realize how you impacted my life in reasons I can no longer explain. Days without you seem to be so dull. Life at work becomes stressful. I love you, it’s true. I love you but I want our friendship to last forever. I want this friendship to work, to be just like the old times. That is what I need in my life right now. I do not know how to handle being in a relationship. I mean, what I had a decade ago was an almost relationship that was so amazing until it lasted. I never decided to give in after that. It took me almost a decade to forgive myself. I never let my guards down as what I’ve always say. I have no idea what happened that night. It’s like someone took over myself. Well, those were feelings I shrugged off. Feelings I am afraid to face and deal, feelings that I hid because I am too ashamed to admit and feelings that I took for granted because I know will just complicate everything.
God, I rest my case. I don’t know how to move on when there is too much to remember. You cannot just forget a friend, a friend that is so damn real. It stings still when I remember the good times. It hurts me so bad not knowing the reason why. You just shut me off and here I am wondering why.
It was just a text, it was nothing unless of course if you felt something too. I know I was never sweet towards you but I do care for you. With what have happened to you almost a month ago, I started to worry about your well-being. I want to be there for you, to help you out and support you. I think that is normal to care it’s just that even I was shocked of my own sweetness towards you. I know you are not used to it but it happened already. I am sorry if you felt so awkward but you should have told me rather than avoiding me. You are so frustrating. I reached out and asked you already but it seems that you do not want to talk about it further.
You are my bestfriend. I will give you the space that you want. I am just a text away if you need me. I will always be here for you. I need to stop seeking for answers. I need to be patient enough and let things happen. I cannot control circumstances but I can control myself. I don’t want to sulk into misery of understanding and hating you. I cannot waste more time. I cannot be depress for too long.
I just miss you so much. Can we be bestfriends again? Let’s forget those feelings. 😢