Finally it’s March and I am happy that the chummy month of February is now OVER! There were a lot of times when I really wanted to pour my heart out and write my thoughts but I was able to control it except of course on sending letters to my future self which is really interesting. Imagine that day in the future when you received a letter dated years ago just trying to check if you are fine or not and then realizations sink in to your system, some you’ll laugh at how pity your problems can be and some will make you realized that you were a champion. So here I am, blogging my thoughts just because… I want to cry, want to whine yeah I am indeed a frustrated drama actress. I looked at myself in the mirror then asked what’s next? What’s next to you Carol?
I don’t really know except that I am bit stressed of school works, deadlines, friggin’ sales target at work, a love life inspired by famous abstract painters yeah that kind of love life when you don’t even know, the other person doesn’t know and the world keeps on speculating what is going on with you two and you have that scientific explanation that even I am a little doubtful of that crazy fact — FRIENDS.
Great, isn’t it great?! It is great… I really look so great.
Anyways, I am no longer a Valentine scrooge, I forgot that life of mine this year yet the emptiness is kind of daunting. I know I have decided to walk away from my past and I have moved on totally from him but I guess that was a good kind of bitterness that keeps me from believing that someday someone will save me from those emotions, it did happen and I am still in need of saving.
Being single is not really a problem to me… I am used to that. I cannot even imagine myself being too sweet, chummy, coo-ing, cuddling whatever… It’s not really me. I am crazy, I would admit that but I am never born sweet and expressive. I am independent, proud and firm. I want the world to see me as someone who is utterly positive, charming, friendly and the likes but never sweet. I want to but I feel so awkward. It kinda frustrates me though when I can’t even tell people how much they mean to me, when hugging my mom seems to be really awkward and saying I love you makes me sick. I am weird.
I can’t even say I love you straight. I can say Ilabyu, I wabyu… blah blah blah but not I love you or maybe I did say that before to my mom or to that someone but I can no longer recall how it felt. Today I want to throw bottles and cry my heart out for this personal frustration or there are days when I want to feed myself with alcohol and curse myself for drinking too much. I am planning to retire from my own drinking sprees. I am in control of my actions but I am a bit tired of YOLO-ing anymore. I am chill, funny, intimidating to some potential boys because of my achievements but definitely crazy and frustratingly single for some apparent reasons — I am not ready yet or maybe I am not really interesting and the worst reason I heard from a close friend was my standards in life.
I may appear to have standards, independent, achiever, smart whatever… but I am just a lost soul enjoying life. I don’t find myself pretty, just average. I am not even smart. I am not independent, because it takes a lot of monologues to convince myself to do something and I am not an achiever, I am a slacker too… I just do what it needs to be done. PERIOD. Despite the image I project or maybe people can actually relate to that that we do have our own weaknesses, those traits we rather keep to ourselves. I too have my own weaknesses to share. I survived life despite the many challenges I encountered, I survived each day after crying myself out of frustrations, of whining multiple times why some people are annoying, of why I love someone but I cannot even be sweet to him that I cannot even tell him how he actually means to me and how I am fully aware that I sometimes do stupid things for him, try to be with him when he’s with his friends who are cool and rich and whatever while I am someone who’s insecurities are being shrugged off for sanity purposes. I don’t think I will actually fit into his world for Christ sake. His world and my world — a total mismatch. If only burning bridges is an easy act, I could have done it already years ago when things are less too complicated unlike now.
So, to young lost souls out there… don’t fret. You are actually not alone. Life is still full of surprises so don’t lose that hope — you badly need that to live and just simply trust God’s perfect timing. Yep… I really hope this will make sense someday as what I have always prayed. I hope I can find someone who would just kidnap me and show me the world. I want a man who would tell me I am weak and that not all the time I am strong as what I am projecting to the world, I want a man who would change my perception of love and would make me believe that I am awesome. I think this love I feel right now is going haywire. This is not actually what I want, a love that makes you guess on what’s next or is there really a next? damn it.
I need to stop blogging, I can now feel my heart out — not a good sign.