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The Power of Self – Awareness

13 Oct

I find people amusing. Each of us has our own stories to tell, various backgrounds that mold us on who we are today and different types of personalities that make this world a little lot interesting.

I am one of those gazillions of people living on Earth today.

There are actually lots of personal battles I’m going through despite my all known positive demeanor. I might share some trivial facts about me just because I’m in the urge to blog what feel.

I’m like a coach, pushing people to be their best and learn to love what they do. Quitting was never an option to me. I don’t easily give up no matter how it’ll hurt, no matter how many times I’m subject to such rejection. I’m resilient, patient and definitely persistent.

I am hard – headed. I do things my way especially if it works for me in the past. 

I have my own biases. I don’t listen to people who for me is stupid and does not make any sense.

I am not sweet, not the affectionate kind of girl. I feel so awkward when I try to be thoughtful. I was not born in an outspoken household who confesses to the world how they love each other. I know my parents love me and I love them too but saying I love you in person is really awkward.

I am independent. I don’t like to rely on other people. I don’t like it when I’m someone else’s responsibility not that I’m proving something or whatsoever. I just don’t like that idea. I don’t want to owe anyone anything as much as possible. I want to be responsible of everything that I do because I’m also responsible of my own failure. I don’t want to blame people of my pitfalls.

In relation to me being independent is my unreasonable trust issues. You can’t just make me open up and lay all my cards in the table. Blame it to my pride in some instances but I’m just really the private type. If people starts to open up to me, I swear to God I’m really promising not to break that trust. I’m proud of the people I shared my life with as they’ve accepted me for who I am and kept my secrets guarded.

I love selflessly. Love makes me stupid, vulnerable and weak. It’s like my Achilles heel. And no matter how I tried to fight my feelings, at the end of the day I usually give in. I still pray that I’ll found someone who totally understands me and will definitely tame my independent, hard-headed and egocentric side.

Also, I tried to commit suicide multiple times but I just can’t do it. Depression drives me nuts but I’m glad that increasing my self-esteem and self-awareness really helped me a lot. I acknowledged that life will never go my way all the time. I learned that I’m not always right and that I too can be a failure. I suck at several things and instead of sulking into desperation, I just accept it and move forward.

I plan a lot. I know how I planned my life during my teenage years thus the frustration I feel today. I’m not even halfway in my bucket list. I don’t feel any sense of fulfillment at this age. Honestly, I still don’t know what I really want to happen in my life.

I took up graduate studies to learn more but here I am desperately trying my best to comprehend managerial and financial accounting. I know I’m not really into business and how stupid I am to take the risk of studying something that is actually my weakness. No wonder I’m doomed but it’s a decision I made so I’ll finished what I’ve started.

I want to travel and explore the world. It’s been my dream, to be an ambassador of something. Here I go again in trying to make this world a livable place. A constant reminder to myself:  “I’m not a superhero!”

There are things that have happened that is still not sinking into my system just like my recent promotion if you can actually call it that way. It’s not that I’m surprised or something because I know I deserved it, it’s just that I’m not really too giddy about it. It’s not something I would actually die for, just something that would feed my ego — an affirmation of my worth in the company. I never like politics so wherever I am, I know it’s hard earned. Now that I’ve reached a certain status quo, my mission is then again prove that I can be a good leader despite my own personal issues that I need to straighten out.

I am still learning more about myself. The beauty of writing my thoughts is for me to read it someday and realized that today is actually significant in my tomorrow, that maybe this lost feeling is actually just a period of transformation prepping me up for a much brighter future if not at least a better and bolder person.

If only I can turn back time, I could have tweak something in my life and that would probably my understanding on certain events. Of course, I am thankful on how things turned out to be because it made me lot better. Life’s been tough but glad that I victoriously survived all the ordeals. Today seems to be just a prelude to another challenging yet fulfilling chapter.

I yearn for that day when everything finally makes sense. When all the confusion, the pains, the weariness and the tears will actually disappear and a new wisdom about life follows. I know someone out there feels the way I do and I hope he or she won’t just give up. I’m still holding on to my faith. I trust God and his plans for me. Who am I to question his grander plan? Time is of the essence here. I trust him when he says wait and I trust him more when he says NO.

Life’s chaotic but you really need to find your zen or else you’ll lose your sanity. There are times, most of the time perhaps that I feel like I’m stuck in a hapless situation and that it sucks to pretend I’m fine when I’m actually not. I imbibed this chill persona because it made me less insane with life. I always took some moments off my daily routine such as walking or blogging to connect to my inner self. It’s a stressful world we’re all in, problems growing if left unattended, deadly deadlines to beat and the demands of people are just too much to take. It took me a while to master this zen aura though. I’m always mad as what Hulk said in Avengers but I need to control my emotions. I drew wisdom from past experiences and spent few hours contemplating. I’ve nursed my bruised ego several times and realized that someone out there is actually better than me so I just need to know myself more and find my own spotlight.

Invest only in good karma and learn to forgive because it makes life hell lot better. So that’s basically it — learn the art of self – awareness that will lead you to accept yourself in ways you never thought you can and in the end will surely boost your own self esteem making you a better person.

 
1 Comment

Posted by on October 13, 2014 in inspirational, journal, life, Life Blog

 

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

One response to “The Power of Self – Awareness

  1. Mon Ange

    October 13, 2014 at 6:09 pm

    🙏 pray for you to find real peace & joy.

     

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