It has always been that way… I guess I have this unwritten mission of saving people, of making life a hell lot better and livable but not all the time though you reap what you sow. I cannot just sit there pretending I’m actually fine when I’m not — I know I’m not. I feel like a bomb wanting to explode. I cannot remember the last time I’ve stood up for what I think is right without going ballistic. I am a universe full of secrets. I know my hot buttons and yes I’m on the verge of losing it all for no logical reason. I just feel it.
I’ve realized that all this time my life revolves too much on others, of constantly understanding, of believing that life is full of good things and I’ll be setting the difference — the change the world wanted to see as per Mahatma Gandhi.
I’m just human.
I cared too much. I loved too much. I tried to fix broken parts of people and I’m lured to that nonsense. I fell for someone who does not even know how to figure his life and here I am playing dice with the Gods pushing my luck to a love with no guarantee. I’m not saying that he’s not good because he is, he’s even a great friend but he’s just not that into all those commitment shit. It’s so hard to figure him out, even harder to define what we have because it has always been his trend.
He does not commit.
When I found out that I’m actually reconsidering lots of things as I approach my quarter life dilemmas, the thought of spending my life with someone like him is equally amazing and at the same time daunting. The waiting part is so draining I can no longer figure it out. Who am I into your life? A question I always ask myself and I always get the same painful answer from the deepest recesses of my brain — FRIENDS.
Today, I felt so drained out. I feel nothing as I gazed into your eyes. It’s like giving up but still hoping things will changed. I wish you can still change and make me believe that I’m special, that you can never live normally anymore because I already made a mark in your life. I want you to feel how different your world without me in it. I tried to somehow define what we have hoping you’ll step up and treat me like nobody else. You came unexpectedly in my life and knowing how I cope with pain, I can shut you out of it. Friendship levels suck, I have lots of guy friends I can banter and taunt with. You — you changed me, my maturity levels to the point of me facing the hauntings of my past hoping that what we have can be something quite different, my own leap of faith to a world I never intended to go back to.
I’m tired of constantly deciphering circumstances, of thinking why you waste your time texting me and why I also find myself replying to your random texts, of figuring out why we spend our lunches together talking about mundane stuffs, of spending random weekend nights drinking and raving like there’s no tomorrow, of sharing our own skeletons and demons without any fear of being judge. Now, tell me who am I not to fall for your attention?
You know how I hate being vulnerable. I am egocentric, a trait I am constantly battling with but a trait that made me a winner. I fight so hard, drain out my energy into something I truly believed in. I guess not all battle is worth fighting just like the battle between my mind and my feelings. I just can’t take this anymore because I’m supposed to be more than this. I deserved a man who would blatantly tell me that he can’t live without me and not someone who would like to play the guessing game until you don’t know when. It’s frustrating, devastating and depressing to give up right now especially that I have too much pressure at work and at school. I don’t actually know where to place myself in my chaotic world and all I asked for is a little redemption from the most special person in my life but he is not willing to save me.
I’ve been too indulge by the thoughts of you that I’m missing a lot in my life. Those things we could have explored together… whatever. I’m just too busy holding on to my feelings without even realizing that letting you go would give me the chance to find a man who would actually love me and without any hesitations tell me that I’m his world. I spent my nights and days blogging about my feelings to the point that your past judge me of believing that happy ever after exist. It does not exist! *** breaks glass
This is quite a long post, of emotions being stirred by pressure, stress and lack of sleep. I don’t know if I’ll regret whatever I blogged when I wake up later on. These are my emotions and I cannot find the best outlet to vent it all out. I wanted to scream. All I wanted is for you to take time but it seems that my opinion no longer matters and my company became too ordinary. It’s fine.