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A Letter To Someone Special

17 Jun

Hey you my favorite chill pill,

It’s been two great years of amazing friendship. First, I would like to say thank you for all the good times, the crazy shits we’re up to, the long talks we have shared and for being there when I need you. You weren’t the perfect best friend but I like the kind of friendship we have.

Unfortunately, I fell for you.

I’m now in this crazy shit I just can’t totally escape. You’ve been part of my system I can no longer take you out. You make me happy within a numbered of days especially during those times when I wanted to end my life. With you I’m happy that’s why I’ll always wanted to be with you. I am afraid that one day you’ll leave me and what will happen to me after that? I fear to be broken again because I don’t know if I can still handle such pain. I always say that I like my choices and you are one of them. My decision to fall for you is something I never regretted, it’s just that my fears are actually haunting me. What if you can never love me?  What if our own moments are just delusions?  What if what we have is solely meant for those nights wherein we are intoxicated and not intended for our sober days ? God knows I love you too much… too much that it scares the hell out of me right now. I cannot afford losing you in my life. Our simple infinity became too complex as days pass by.

I wanted to know the truth without sounding a little demanding here. I wanted to hear something from you… words that will make or break me. I hate bullshits. I hate sugar-coated stuffs, what I want to hear is the bare-naked truth.

Do you love me?

I want to know.

I want to know what’s going on your mind each time you look at me. My fear is slowly intoxicating my system. My fear of being hurt. My fear of commitment. My fear of being alone. My fear of giving it all. I love you but I’m a little afraid to tell you as I might not hear the words I wanted to hear. They say actions speak louder than words and what we have is something beautiful but I guess I’m getting tired of not knowing, not knowing if we do have a future or not. It sucks to fall for your best friend.

My feelings are driving me nuts and I do not know where to go about it. We can still be the same though but I don’t know until when I can hide this feelings that slowly tormenting me. I’ve been into too much pain before up to that point when we started hanging out and my friend was falling for you. I never knew that you’re the one she’s inlove with at first. You kissed her and it meant a lot to her. That was the time I felt something… the first moment I realized that I love you because I felt the burning pain of having my heart totally broken for the second time. I can feel my flesh ripping off… yes that kind of pain that makes you curl into your bed wishing you’ll never ever gonna wake up but you need to, you need to pretend that you’re fine and be happy because people expect you to be — life and its double standards.

Worst, I need to be a friend to the both of you.

Unfortunately, it didn’t work out between you two. You left her miserable. You, well you did save yourself from troubles and you saved her from a relationship that leads to the unknown. Who knows what will happen next because you didn’t dare to try?  I didn’t rejoice actually except that I tried to escape, tried to shut off my emotions but I just can’t.

I did try to stop my feelings. I tried my best but I’ve realized the stronger I fight, the stronger it gets. I felt so stupid because I tried still to be a good friend offering advice. Maybe because guilt is slowly daunting me but I didn’t do something bad or maybe breaking some crazy girl rule we got from Mean Girls “not to mess with your friend’s ex ” which I don’t really give too much damn. It’s a free world though. If it’s over, it’s over. I am slowly killing myself every moment I’m consoling her. At the end of the day, I need to be a friend.

I’ll take your side because I love you and we’ve been through a lot. You’ve been a good friend, someone I can totally trust and someone that inspires me every day.

Today is a little different. I too learned from you without you knowing. My love for you made me something way beyond my means. I never have thought I can confront my past. It’s so hard to go back to the years of pain, insecurities, confusion and mysteries. The difficulties of facing and finally talking about what went wrong. I’m glad I’ve found that courage to fix what I need to fix and start over again. I’ve closed that chapter of my life with a smile knowing that I’d forgiven myself and how my past had forgiven me too. It was one beautiful ending.

Today, my urged to wrote this letter came from various reasons primarily my raging hormones, my growing jealousy on this girl whom you’re currently hanging out and whom I didn’t know you invited too in your place and lastly for the sake of blogging what it needs to be blogged because I cannot contain what I feel and my thoughts are plainly too loud. I find her annoying because I don’t know where her sense of humor came from. She likes to talk for the sake of talking and her way of fun is too mimic you or insult you which I really find pathetic and childish purely a waste of time. They say you’re pretty but I don’t really have a concrete opinion on that maybe because I don’t find you pretty except for certain angles. Anyways who am I to judge her right?  I cannot dictate you to stop mingling with her knowing that you seem to be fond of her. Well, those facts I learn to accept.

I apologize for not being a hypocrite. I cannot be like before. I am no longer the martyr who’ll offer her hearty advice even if her own words are actually stabbing her to hell. I cannot afford to sit with you two pretending I don’t know what’s actually going on when my gut feel is really really strong. I apologize for being too observant. Maybe some of my hypotheses were wrong, maybe you’re just friends whatever. I cannot stand here and being with you two won’t do me well either. You see, you’re not my best friend anymore. I have feelings for you and if you don’t have feelings for me better yet let’s take some time off. You know how I can easily shut people off. I may be the cheerful and friendly kid you may know but I need to protect myself from the torments of this story. Our story.

I need to do what’s right for me even if hurts.

I rather be alone during lunch than be with you and her on the same table pretending to be great friends. I won’t let myself be lured into that kind of set up again. I’m sorry.

Always,

S C L

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Posted by on June 17, 2014 in journal

 

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